People need to start getting their "facts" straight.
Many Penn Staters seem to be obsessed with Chuck Norris lately. I have seen the T-shirts and have heard a lot of people talking about how great he is all the time. All these overnight Norris fans are full of crap. Let's face it -- Chuck Norris is the poor man's version of the much sweeter Elvis-loving, attic dweller Uncle Jesse (a.k.a. John Stamos' character on Full House).
Uncle Jesse enthusiasts decided to create an ironically funny Web site, www.wwujd.com, around the relatively obscure celebrity. Others, including Norris fans, have tried to create their own spin-off sites, but have failed miserably.
Uncle Jesse's first "diary" entry on his Web site was written on Feb. 16, 2003, meaning the site was created sometime around this date, long before Norris became a pop-culture princess. Besides a diary, the Web page includes features such as Uncle Jesse "myths," Uncle Jesse how-tos, Uncle Jesse "favorites" and Uncle Jesse "facts" -- the same idea that Norris followers would later steal and try to pass off as their own. Unlike Norris' "facts," Uncle Jesse's "facts" are not trying to front.
The mullet-sporting, Harley-driving mousse using "Mr. Goodpart" keeps it real. He "invented" Tetris and peanut butter, has 23,456,765,789 blades of grass on his front lawn, wears wool mittens instead of gloves in the winter time and took home a glowing piece of the aggro crag on Nickelodeon GUTS. These Uncle Jesse trivia tidbits were around years before anyone paid attention to the way-lame karate guru turned Walker, Texas Ranger Norris. Uncle Jesse's fact number 66 concludes that Uncle Jesse's hair can throw better roundhouse kicks than Norris and frankly, I agree.
Who cares if Norris can roundhouse kick a $10 bill into 200 nickels, or that he can order a Big Mac at Burger King and get one, or that he is 10 feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing? Norris is lame and so are the people who think his rip-off trivia is funny and wear it on T-shirts.
Tenant number seven on Uncle Jesse's site says that any Web site attempting to imitate www.wwujd.com will be dealt with "And The Rippers-style." ("And The Rippers" of course referring to Uncle Jesse's band on Full House.) With this in mind, it is clear that Norris and www.chucknorrisfacts.com are cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Another fictional, but fabulous, feature on Uncle Jesse's Web site are the "Fight Nights" on which Uncle Jesse takes on and defeats opponents such as the tooth fairy, Macaulay Culkin, the cast of The Golden Girls, the cast of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, Deion Sanders and Vin Diesel.
According to the site, Uncle Jesse recently took on Norris in a Fight Night titled "You're Out Of Luck, Chuck!" and put the smack down on the black belt wannabe Norris.
Also according to the site, Norris showed up to the Fight Night in a PT Cruiser with wood paneling and had trouble getting through the arena security guards who were actually little girls. Norris had to sell copies of Sidekicks to a library to buy a ticket to enter the arena. Once inside, Uncle Jesse exported a great amount of pain to Norris by ripping off his beard. Uncle Jesse then proved that all of "the bearded clam's" "facts" are false. Norris proceeded to cry and admitted that he is a huge Uncle Jesse fan, proving once and for all that Uncle Jesse is a champion and Norris is a phony baloney.
The moral of the story here is that if other people try to jump on the obscure celebrity worship bandwagon, Uncle Jesse will be forced to regulate Warren G style and that being original is better than being Chuck Norris.
Cost of Chuck Norris T-shirt: a waste of $29.
Cost of "You're out of Luck, Chuck!" Fight Night: Chuck Norris' dignity.
Uncle Jesse: Priceless
