There are just some things I don't do. I don't drink Miller Lite. I don't wear flip-flops. And I don't, as much as I may try, tan.

But I know all those things I don't do are part and parcel of the college spring break experience. Spending a week making out with sweaty Ole Miss sophomores and puking on foreign soil might be a great way to blow daddy's money for some of you, but I just don't get down like that. Still, I respect tradition, and just because I've never actively participated in coconut-scented spring breakery, that doesn't mean I don't have a strange curiosity about it.

So instead of ringing my travel agent and boarding the next jet down to Cabo, I fired up my Netflix and snatched up just about every spring break film they have (with the notable exception of Fraternity Vacation; frankly, there are just some things I don't care to know about). Hoping to take part in the tequila-soaked revelry in some small way, I sat myself in front of the TV and observed. Here are a few of the highlights:

Lauderdale (a.k.a. Spring Fever U.S.A.):

Oil wrestling? Sure! A two-second cameo from Ron Jeremy? Why not?! Gratuitous nudity? Obviously. If ever there was a prototypical '80s spring break film, it'd be Lauderdale. College buddies Larry and Animal meet stone fox Heather the day before spring break. Larry falls hard for Heather, and when she's kidnapped, he chases all over the country to find her. There's a lot to love about the dim, dated Lauderdale, but nothing sums it up better than Animal's statement of purpose: "I'm gonna live on the three major food groups: Beck's, Budweiser and Miller Lite!" Now there's a man who gets it.

Malibu Spring Break:

Michelle and Brianne are heading to Malibu to the house of Michelle's uncle Benny. The girls want to have a party but don't want Uncle Benny to know about it. If this sounds like a tired setup for a comedy of errors, you're right. If it sounds like the beginnings of a Cinemax-style soft-core porn, you're even righter (and you watch too much Cinemax). I've seen a lot of crappy films through to the end, but after the 50th boob in Malibu Spring Break, I couldn't take it anymore. Still, I can imagine the gals have their party, the uncle comes home at an inconvenient time, maybe some yelling takes place. If I just ruined the ending of Malibu Spring Break, sorry; but shame on you for watching it in the first place.

Hittin' It!:

Morris and Malik are college roommates with big plans to housesit for Malik's rich uncle Fredo for their spring holiday. Fredo leaves the guys with a beachfront mansion stocked with Cristal and expects them not to touch it. To no one's surprise, the guys throw a huge party, pop all the Cris, and are subsequently blackmailed by Fredo's interior designer. Several thousand dollars short, they resort to male prostitution (naturally!). When that doesn't pan out, they throw another huge party at Fredo's house to pay for the damages. Guess what happens. Notable for the appearance of Luther '2 Live Crew" Campbell as Fredo, and the fact that it was just more than 70 minutes long, and nothing else.

The Virgin Spring (a.k.a. Jungfrukällan):

Whoa! With a name like The Virgin Spring, I was expecting a lighthearted romp along the lines of Losin' It; instead, I get a 14th-century fable of guilt and revenge from Swedish cinematic genius Ingmar Bergman. This is not a spring break film: It's sad, slow, and the only nudity is a brief shot of Max von Sydow's middle-aged butt. Still, it's maybe 80 times better than every other movie on this list.

Welcome to Spring Break (a.k.a. Nightmare Beach):

What do you get when you cross a bad '80s horror movie with a bad '80s teen sex romp? Well, "garbage" is the short answer, but that garbage has a name: Welcome to Spring Break. And man, is it a doozy. In the opening scene, a biker is electrocuted on death row. His corpse is dug up, and his biker buddies terrorize a popular nearby spring break locale. Meanwhile, Skip and Ronnie, two collegiate athletes taking a much-needed break after losing the national championship for their team, get mixed up with the psychotic bikers. If you can imagine watching a Friday the 13th flick, Weird Science and Girls Gone Wild all at the same time, you've got a pretty good idea about Welcome to Spring Break. Hey, at least it's efficient!

What did I learn? Well, nothing new, really. Spring break means binge drinking, scantily clad women, and the occasional uncle-related misunderstanding, but I didn't need to sit through over an hour of Hittin' It! to figure that out. I guess, if I learned anything, it's that spring break just isn't the kind of thing you can watch; you've gotta dig yourself deep into the sand, then throw up all over it. So if you're caught with nothing to do over break, perhaps watching something other than these movies is in order. Or, heck, you might be better off just going to the beach and getting drunk. Remember: You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.