In the past decade, the country has seen an outburst of a new disorder that afflicts young and old Americans alike.

This sudden plague that is sweeping the country has revolutionized the pharmaceutical industry, the economy and society as a whole. It is called Culpability Denial Disorder, or CDD, otherwise known as the "Blame Everything on a Disorder" disorder.

Many of you may already be familiar with the telltale signs of CDD. Symptoms include complaints such as the following: I can't study (attention deficit disorder); I'm shy (social anxiety disorder), NYPD Blue was canceled so I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream (depression).

Consequently, such symptoms are contagious, resulting in feelings of resentment and worthlessness. "I cried during the last episode, too! Does this mean I have an anxiety disorder?

Bitterness, self-diagnosis and Prozac ensue. It is exactly this reaction that has caused the excessive emergence of CDD, a disease that is destroying the unity and stability of the population.

In academic settings, from untimed standardized tests to methamphetamines, students see their peers given extra time and breaks and even drugs to enhance performance and plausibly think to themselves, "Why not me?"

Perhaps some claims to these disorders are legitimate, and we should focus on helping those suffering from them. But on the other hand, we cannot give attention to every kid who demands Adderall.

The WebMd Web site, www.webmd.com, offers a comprehensive questionnaire that helps a person determine whether if they suffer from such a disorder. I went down "the checklist" to see if I fit the description. Easily distracted? Check. Have difficulty following instructions? Check. Afraid of embarrassment? Check. Fears bacteria and repeatedly showers? Check. Forgets things? Check. Engages in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences? Check. Avoids public toilets? Check.

I came to a speedy diagnosis: Lazy college student who parties a little too much and hates using the bathrooms at the mall. However, as I am one to take my health seriously, I am considering seeking a second professional opinion.

Seriously, mental illness is no joke. Culpability Denial Disorder is. It is easy to say, "Give me a pill and get me on with my life." I am not excluding myself from CDD either -- I admit that 20 milligrams of Adderall would be a welcomed donation because I've got an exam coming up, a lot of reading and a few papers to write. But I recognize this not only undermines my sense of self-sufficiency, but also those who truly suffer from mental illness.

Maybe some people are OK with letting orange bottles run their lives. For $300 an hour, I mean, you might as well. But, unfortunately, this isn't Amsterdam. So until we institute a national over-the-counter revolution, it's not fair that some get to be legally hyped up on pharmaceuticals while others suffer quietly.

Therapy is a very beneficial alternative. However, for centuries, humans have been getting anxious, depressed and stressed out; what did people do before they could afford psychiatry? For all of us CDD sufferers out there, I propose a new approach to anxiety and stress -- a more "organic" approach (plus, my therapist recommends that I branch outside of my "comfort zone"). I revert back to historical times for surprisingly simple solutions. Having trouble focusing? Turn off the television. A little depressed? Treat yourself to that chocolate brownie. Afraid to interact in a social setting? One word, three syllables -- alcohol.

Such solutions are quick, easy and affordable, and save the critical drugs for the critical patients.

Inevitably, our country will come to a decision on whether or not humans are capable of deciding what substances we ingest into our own bodies. Then we CDD sufferers may be free to choose our prescription of choice. But until then, let's not go overboard.

Now if you'll excuse me, this six pack and I have some therapy ahead of us.