I read this book the other day called How to Be Smart with Your Part.

It was OK, but it kind of made me feel like I was in fourth grade again.

In the first chapter, the author tiptoes around the topic for about 10 pages employing every metaphor and innuendo possible to discuss the male genitalia, e.g., it's eight inches long, but it's not a cucumber.

Insignificant and cliché chapters on the "boxers or briefs" debate are a central theme in the book. And this precedes the chapter on defining and categorizing strip clubs, a topic that we already all investigated in high school.

The chapter dealing with whether it has a brain is way too long. I'll answer that right now: Yes, it does.

Next chapter, please.

We are all in college now. We live in the zeros, the double ought. Sex has been the topic of every Cosmo and Maxim cover story for the past decade. We've all seen Janet Jackson's breast and TV shows such as Nip/Tuck have developed devoted followers.

The only high point in the book that might have taught me 'How to be Smart' with my part is a decent chapter on the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. Basically, because it's the only one that does not read like a note I passed under my desk in middle school. So who exactly wrote this book and felt they needed to hide their name from the public sphere?

The book is credited to Lords A. Leapin and Personal Publishing, meaning the guy printed the book himself. The mystery man has done quite a job of hiding himself, because I couldn't find him. You can get the book on Amazon.com while reading some very suspicious reviews, all from Pennsylvania. Hmm...I have a hunch that the mysterious author might have some friends at Penn State.

So instead of hiding, I say, come forth, silent rogue -- and just say it. Can we really be 'smart with our parts' if we can't even use their correct names?

-- Reviewed by Brad Groznik