I wasn't cool enough to be in Evanston, Ill., last Saturday. I was in State College, watching the game with three other Penn State students with monosyllabic first names (Joe, Dave, Max), and a kid named Brendan.

The conclusion those guys all came to? "Phew!" They watched a defense that likes to talk smack about how great it is almost give other teams the fuel to talk smack back.

Now -- for the record -- Dave does not hate cornerbacks.

"Yes!" He would yell when Anwar Phillips picks off an awry Brett Basanez pass signifying a Nittany victory.

But for most of the game he was yelling things like: "Why are they passing the ball well? Why are they running the ball well?"

Joe was annoyingly optimistic, even when Brendan Perretta was on the field, but especially on fourth-and-15.

The pessimist was almost right.

"They're blitzing!" Dave would say at the linebackers. Paul Posluszny finished the game with 22 tackles, more than any Penn State defender since the Sex Pistols were around. That's awesome, but usually when that happens it means the defensive line was having a hard time getting off its blocks.

Dave didn't hate on the D-line, but last week a lot of attention was showered down on the unit because they held Central Michigan to only three points. Again, that's awesome, but now this is the Big Ten season. Northwestern is not really that good.

There, I said it. Sorry. To the dozens of Purple students who braved the "it looks like it might rain so I'm going to watch the game on TV" clouds: I don't care if you don't like me.

Those Purple kids' offensive line definitely won the battle up front, though. The Lions' line is going to be undersized when matching up against Big Ten offensive linemen all season, but they can't give up 217 yards rushing.

Sure, the "Holding Show" starring "Whoever-was-supposed-to-be-blocking Scott Paxson" was on ESPN1/2/U again instead of a football game. And that dude will continue to get held, meaning he's going to continue to be Penn State's best-equipped run stopper.

There was the always-consistent play of Tamba "That dude's motor is just unreal" Hali. Matthew Rice and Jay Alford represented, too. (Rice had my second favorite quote of last week: "I eat fish," when asked if he -- like Tyler Reed -- liked fishing as a pastime. Paxson said the thing about the motor with the Tamba.)

Northwestern's offensive line was a lot more impressive than Penn State's defensive line, and that really troubled Dave.

Tackle Zach Strief showed why he was second team All-Big Ten last year by holding Hali to a negligible two shared sacks.

Anytime Brett Basanez wanted to stand five yards behind the line of scrimmage, look his watch for fifteen seconds and then throw the football, he basically could.

Northwestern's tailback looked like the next-big-Big-Ten-tailbacking-thing. (Dave would say: "Sit down Mike Hart! I hate Michigan! You're injured!")

Joe would be quick to remind everyone that Jim Shaw has been out of the lineup. Yes, Shaw certainly proved he has some skills after the first quarter of the South Florida, and luckily he's back now. He didn't really play a lot Saturday, though.

Josh Gaines offered Rice and Hali a chance to breathe when they needed to, but he didn't really play a lot either.

Dave would say, "These kids gotta do a little bit more."

What else could they have done?

Did the defense let down? No. Dave, Joe, Max and Brendan were jumping up-and-down and slapping each other with the high-fives and hugs and what-have-you, instead of jumping off of the balcony into the parking lot.

Dave's mood perked up afterward (definitely a good thing because the Green Bay Packers have been sucking his mood into an impenetrable darkness the past three Sundays in a row, rendering him useless to the world outside the bartending staff at the Sports Cafe).

The Nittany Lions still won, but the team showing up next week? This Laurence Maroney character? Dave said he's heard he's a pretty good football player. Joe thinks he's beatable, though. (I'm allowed to make fun of Joe because I lived with him in East Halls for a year.)

This Sutton character Northwestern used to run the football for the bulk of their 217 rushing yards? He's a freshman.

He's been practicing his "I don't want to fumble" technique by using a silk, purple Nerf ball in practice. Joe would think the color's pretty, but Dave would say "Purple balls? That ain't right."

It was great that Penn State's defense bent to the point of near-snapping because they might seriously crack this Saturday.

"Offense" beats teams like Northwestern.

"Defense" loses to Minnesota? Dave, Max, Brendan and even Joe might then be tempted to leap onto unsuspecting automobiles.