I was reading the police log from Sept. 26 and I noticed something alarming about a criminal mischief incident. University police had valued a damaged garbage can at $400. This is outrageous! Why wasn't this garbage can better protected? Surely such a dazzlingly magnificent garbage can should have had some kind of security measures protecting it.

After some research, I found that this was not the case; in fact, it was even being used to hold garbage! I like storing my waste in lavishly decadent garbage cans adorned with the finest silks and perfumes as much as the next guy, but sometimes we have to make sacrifices to preserve such valuable works of art. I propose the university erect display cases rigged with alarm systems around all garbage cans in the IST building so as to prevent further damage to these hedonistic treasures.

I urge all of you to send letters to Graham Spanier letting him know that you are dissatisfied with the university's treatment of its garbage cans.

Our precious garbage cans are dying every day, and they can't protect themselves. If you don't do it, who will?