Man, that election was crazy. For a while it looked like a repeat of the 2000 version, with the outcome of the election hanging on the chads of a single state (thanks Ohio). What, you say that happened like five months ago? I must be residing under a proverbial, large, calcified mineral.

Ok, I'll admit this column isn't the most timely, but maybe that's the point: Now that politics is off everyone's minds, my ideas won't get drowned out in the cacophony of post-election balderdash, in which even kindergarteners are encouraged to deconstruct the election (my 6-year-old cousin attributes the Kerry loss due to flagging labor support because of his weak stance on NAFTA).

Now even though I didn't vote for Bush, there are no sour grapes here. In fact, I'd like to help the president's second term run more smoothly than the first. Consequently, I've decided to offer up some suggestions to help him transition to a more successful second term. So Mr. President, this column is written expressly for you.

Let's get right down to business then.

Well Mr. President, lets face it, you're about one sandwich short of a picnic. That's why your first move should be from the White House to a Holiday Inn Express. If you can somehow tap into the same power that enables regular people to jump out of planes and avoid nuclear disaster, you could do anything, like defeat the powers of communism and Nazism combined, or find bin Laden.

Next, I've noticed you've been taking a lot of flak for your environmental policy, particularly drilling for oil in Alaska. Now, I'm no national security adviser, but I think we should explore the link between al Qaeda and the wildlife refuge. I don't trust the polar bears, and I'm telling you those trees are just looking for an excuse to be cut down. If we don't find any oil and things get sticky from a seal insurgency, we can always blame it on faulty intelligence.

On to more domestic matters: Recently, there's been much debate on your somewhat maligned Social Security plan, but all that's needed here is a play on words and some of that Bush charm. If you just call it "Social Insecurity," and then flash your trademark smirk, you'll have America eating out of the palm of your hand. Then announce that the stocks will be available at Wal-Mart because, well, people love Wal-Mart. If they then dip in value, confuse people by calling it a "roll-back."

Continuing with fiscal policy: to cut the deficit, I propose corporate sponsorship of the government. Capitol Hill, for instance, could be renamed the Best Buy Center. And filibusters could be re-termed 1-800-safeauto waste-taxpayers-money-sessions. Speaking of taxes, why not eliminate them for all Americans except, say, Bill Gates, who can be taxed infinity billion dollars. Sure, you might lose his support, but last time I checked, he only has one vote. Also, you could tax Andy Dick, not because he's rich, but because I don't particularly care for him.

Now, to generate buzz for these and future policies, why not release theatrical trailers featuring the hottest ticket in the Republican Party: Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger? For instance, Arnold could blow up a CGI-rendered graphic of the deficit, turn to the camera, and say, "Fiscal reform, coming to a municipality near you, July 2005."

In regards to blowing things up, we all know our armed forces have been extenuated by the multiple armed conflicts of the past few years. But do not remedy this by instituting a draft. Instead, boost enlistment by offering complimentary gift baskets to those who sign up for military service. And don't refer to the engagement in Iraq as a "war," so much as "dictatorship mitigation." Also, you might want to stay away from declarations of mission accomplished, unless you just beat a level in Halo.

A president needs to roll in style: How about pimping out Air Force One with rims that keep on spinning when the plane comes to a complete stop and the captain has turned off the "fasten seatbelts" sign? That would be totally sweet, and might garner you some of the youth vote in the next election ... president of Iraq? What better way to grow the seed of democracy you've planted? Of course you'll have to wait until this term is over, unless you just want officially turn over the reigns to Cheney.

Now, I think I speak for many people when I say that America would feel more comfortable if it knew what you did every day. What better way to do this than by signing up for an AOL Instant Messenger account? You can leave away messages indicating whether you're showering, at class, or negotiating nuclear de-armament with Vladimir Putin. I think elpresidente29 is still available. The most important thing, though, is that you post a witty profile, some Jason Mraz lyrics, and whatever the letters for Skull & Bones are.

We all know who your largest critic is, so why not befriend Michael Moore, perhaps with a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry's? Or maybe you guys could share a Blizzard at DQ. But beware of any containing pretzels. We all remember your encounter with them last term, which may or may not have been masterminded by Saddam. Even though he's now behind bars, there's been "chatter" about al Qaeda planting difficult-to-swallow chips in the Oval Office. Be on the lookout. Finally, if anything ever goes wrong, comment that you've just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance. People will think your allusion to pop culture is clever and forget whatever transgression you just committed. Trust me, it's the new "where's the beef?"

Yes, Mr. President, step by step and day by day, you've got a fresh start over and a different hand to play. The deeper we fall, Mr. President, the stronger we stay and, with the prescriptions I've outlined, we'll make it better ... the second time around.