Over the course of my spring break, I had the chance to catch possibly the most demoralizing love movie ever. Yeah, you guessed it, Hitch. Watching Will Smith make it on the big screen made me realize just how much work I need to do to better deal with the opposite sex.

Now, I'm no smooth talkin' Alex Hitchens, but what I lack in a "statuesque build," I always thought I compensated with a sweet, and somewhat sensitive side. But after watching Hitch, I now fear that I may be hopeless when it comes to dating.

To give you an idea, I'll just take you through a few of my relationship experiences.

I had my first really intimate relationship the summer before my senior year in high school, and after a few months, my girlfriend convinced me to finally stop settling for the triples -- go Barry Bonds style and hit some home runs, if you will.

My first "love-making" experience was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. That's why I'm going to share it with everyone on the Penn State campus.

Yes, I want all the guys out there to know that there is some guy worse than you.

To make a long story short, I had no idea what I was doing, and at most times, was probably just fumbling around like a blind man. Fortunately for me, my awkward attempts didn't last very long, as I was finished faster than Ben Affleck's acting career after Gigli.

Yes ladies, I am a tiger in the sack. Grrr.

And that same summer was the time my friend spotted an attractive girl at the bowling alley and told me I didn't have the guts to talk to her. Feeling the need to protect my masculinity, I told my friend I'd hit on the girl. I confidently strolled up to the girl, told her my name, and said I thought she was very attractive.

After a few minutes of conversation, I realized the girl was in middle school and about five years younger than I was. To make matters worse, the lady standing next to her was her mother. In my defense, the girl seriously looked my age.

And besides, we only had, like, three dates. And, even better, she always let me be Ken when we played Barbie.

Just kidding.

Coming to college, I thought I would have a fresh start, but I was gravely mistaken. At college, I didn't just make an ass out of myself sober.

I did it drunk. One night at a party after a little too much liquor, I decided that it would be great to don my Oompa Loompa uniform that I wore in the Homecoming parade. Because, hey, girls can't resist little guys in white overalls.

In my stupor, I approached a girl, and calmly use the worst pick-up line in the history of the world.

"Have you ever made out with an Oompa Loompa?"

For some odd reason, it failed miserably. Seriously, how many guys use that? I think it's pretty damn original.

Truthfully, I have some even better stories that only my closest friends know, but I decided that I'm going to salvage my last thread of dignity and keep them a secret.

At least until Hitch 2 comes out.