In the spirit of things, I could present a compilation of love songs, but love is so pedestrian. Valentine's Day certainly isn't about love. And don't let anyone convince you it's about chocolate or flowers or Hallmark, either. It's about sex. About sex, or getting it on in whatever capacity you fancy (I make no judgments).

So read on, dear horndogs, for a soundtrack to your dirty Valentine's deeds. Keep in mind that I'm not saying these are the "best" songs -- just that these are some of the sluttiest songs I've come across in my 21-plus years of music addiction. Hopefully there's something here for everyone. Except maybe you eunuchs. Sorry 'bout that.

Melissa Ferrick - "Drive"

Miss Melissa provides one of the juiciest Sapphic songs in history with "Drive." It's pulsating folk-rock erotica: pounding, relentlessly deep bass, persistent rhythm and husky whispers promising to drive you all night 'till you feel the daylight.

Oh, behave: "I haven't even tied you up. I haven't even turned you over. This is where I want to live, right here between your hips."

Men at Work - "Down Under"

Upon first listen, "Down Under" is a harmless, synth-ed out '80s ditty about Australia, but burrow a little deeper and gee, euphemisms abound.

Oh, behave: "I met a strange lady. She made me nervous. She took me in and gave me breakfast, and she said, 'Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men plunder?'

Pixies - "Gigantic"

Kim Deal is already one of the hottest ladies in rock 'n' roll (hey, anyone would look do-able compared to Frank Black, OK?), so having a song where the Kimster sings about some dude's giganticness, well, that's hot too, I guess. Plus, the music's got a nice rhythm for ... dancing? Go crazy, kids.

Oh, behave: "Lovely legs there are. What a big black mask. What a hunk of love. Walk her every day into a shady place. He's like the dark, but I'd want him. ... Gigantic, gigantic, gigantic; a big, big love."

Liz Phair - "Flower"

Liz is, like, the universally acknowledged reigning indie rock slut, and "Flower" is kind of responsible for that. She's all singing about bonking some guy and his "minions" too. There are other lurid details, but they're not really publishable, are they?

Oh, behave: Um. I can't share these lyrics with you. My editors wouldn't allow it. Google it if you're curious.

Prince - "Gett Off"

Everyone knows Prince is one "Sexy MF," 'cause who don't love a man in purple velour and stilettos? "Gett Off" is a truly slutiful tale about picking up a gal and taking her home for some sweet, sweet loving (23 positions in one night, if we're to believe chorus). Quite ambitious, Prince. Quite ambitious indeed.

Oh, behave: "Tonight you're a star and I'm the big dipper."

Heather Nova - "I Have the Touch"

Basically, this is a very slutabulous song about fiending for it. The vocals are breathy and begging, and Heather really seems to yearn for someone to "shake those hands" and "give [her] the thing she understand[s]." What is that thing? I don't know. Pie?

Oh, behave: "Pull my chin, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees ... but nothing seems to please. I need contact."

Rufus Wainwright - "Instant Pleasure"

Sex without love is like icing without cake. Tasty, but what's the point? Well Sir Rufus explains it this way: He doesn't want love; he just wants the booty. Gosh. I'm emotionally scarred over this one. If bedding without loving happens to be your way of life, you now have a slutastic anthem.

Oh, behave: "I don't want somebody to love me. Just give me sex whenever I want it. 'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure, instant pleasure, instant pleasure."

Des'ree - "Kissing You"

Enough with this base sexual vulgarity. Sultry songs can be just as much about the heartstrings as the G-strings, and this is where Des'ree comes in. "Kissing You" is all luscious and elegant and sensual in just the right ways.

Save this one for a session with someone you truly care about.

Oh, behave: "Touch me deep, pure and true. Give to me forever. 'Cause I'm kissing you."

Divinyls - "I Touch Myself"

Well ... three cheers for self-love?

Oh, behave: "When I think about you I touch myself."

Weezer - "Tired of Sex"

Leave it to Rivers Cuomo to be grumpy and weird amongst all that booty shakin'. Guess it just goes to show you, sex isn't everything. Even if you've got tons of half-Japanese girls, sometimes you have to go and chase your butterfly. OK. Enough annoying Pinkerton references. Anyway, Rivers is a man whore. We all know that. Yeah.

Oh, behave: "Thursday night I'm makin' Denise. Friday night I'm makin' Sharise. Saturday night I'm makin' Louise. Oh, why can't I be makin' love come true."