So we're two weeks into the new year and I guess I should be 10 pounds lighter and totally toned since I've been on a strict diet and gone to the gym every day this year.

Except that I'm not.

Everybody is in this New Year's frenzy and made these really cool "realistic" resolutions which they swear to keep the whole year, or at least until spring break.

Or maybe just until they look hot enough so they can hook up more.

Yes more STDs! That's what we all really want.

There are all types of New Year's resolutions, from the usual going on a diet to the more interesting ones such as not picking your buggers for a whole year - that must be hard - so let's go over some of them and then a more realistic way to solve your problems.

Eating a celery stick and a piece of lettuce each day, and if you get really hungry, add a soy chip to the menu. Even though it would save you money, there are more good things to it. It keeps you healthy, smart and looking good. Thirty calories a day is more than enough for your body and your immune system will be in great shape. Some people say food is fuel for you brain. Whatever! Those 30 calories will definitely keep your brain awake in class and during tests. Oh and who said having skin pigment is hot? Paleness from malnutrition is totally sexy.

Going to the gym every day for at least two hours before or after going around the Loop all day to get to class. Forget about waking up 10 minutes earlier to walk to class- that won't burn any calories.

I mean it's not like our campus is set on hills or anything. Gyms are so much fun anyway; staring at the elliptical's calorimeter for 30 minutes is so much more fun than having a snowball fight with your friends.

Attending church every Sunday even if it means going completely hung-over or even drunk, just as long as you fulfill your resolution. Plus you can then hang out with your friends and talk, not gossip, about the weekend's events.

Speaking of weekend events, how about the resolution to not do the walk of shame anymore. Some people, who are used to switching to other people's beds every weekend night, swear they will now wake up in their own bed. So just hook up until 5 a.m. and then walk home. And if you do end up waking up past dawn in your vacation bed, just tell people you're going early to the library. No shame there either. Giving up bad habits cold turkey. This includes smoking, drinking, drugs, caffeine, etc. This is the New Year's resolution, though, that has an exception to its rule - it only works on the weekdays and let's not forget that weekends start on Thursday and end Monday morning, so three days of being deprived is a true solution.

If you happen to get drunk and smoke a cigarette, it doesn't count because you won't remember and your friends and roommates lie the next day anyway. Actually going to class, at least most of them, is a common one too. This time of year, well actually not right now because it's syllabus week, but once classes "really" start, people decide to give Dean's List a shot by going to all of their classes. But then if something more important comes up such as Ben & Jerry giving free ice cream or a playoff game on TV than the New Year's resolution, God will definitely forgive you. Just go to class next time, after you finish sleeping in, doing laundry, downloading music and talking to everyone on Instant Messenger, of course. There are plenty of New Year's resolutions people think of every year, and whether they follow through with them or not, it's amusing just to see how ridiculous people can get. Why not just enjoy your life and eat whatever you want? Seriously, moderation is just the key to it all and don't kill yourself if you don't make it to the gym one day - walking around campus is enough of a workout.

And as far as the other resolutions go, they are just as randomly selected and stupid as these college-campus favorites, so lighten up and don't take life so seriously.