Despite being a witless conglomeration of schlock, National Treasure has floated to the top of the box office moneymakers for the past two weeks. If you were one of the few who held out over the holiday, here's the joy you've been missing.

Benjamin Franklin Gates (Nicolas Cage) and his one-liner specialist Riley Poole (Justin Bartha) are hunting a treasure eluding the Gates family for generations.

Here's the hook: Gates turns the criminals funding his quest against him, causing them to chase him, and the treasure, for an action-packed two hours.

Next, Gates meets up with Abigail Chase, (Diane Kruger), a hot historian who is so money you could name a bank after her.

Early on the tone is set with monotone musings like, "It's a riddle (dramatic pause) I need to think." Soon it is determined that the Declaration of Independence has a riddle encoded on it, and so Gates steals the sacred scroll.

There is an overdone heist scene, adding a doltish head of the FBI played by Harvey Keitel, to the list of people chasing the heroes.

The hidden code on the back of the Declaration of Independence is uncovered by applying lemon juice and heating it with a hair dryer.

Gates charms Chase by treating her like even more of a lapdog than his hair-brained accomplice, Riley. He drones romantic droppings such as, "come here," before the big smooch.

So Gates gets the girl and the treasure.

Maybe instead of treasure being the metaphor behind meaning in the movie, the hair dryer is a more apt choice: it emits hot air and it blows.

If Indiana Jones shopped at The Gap, this is the movie he would buy.

-- Reviewed by Dan Schwartzman