Let's clear something up.

Eminem's Encore isn't a rap record -- it's an attack record. It's 80 minutes of Em dissing anybody and everybody he feels like attacking; mostly (just like it's been on all other Eminem records before Encore) celebrities and his mom. I like taking cheap shots at people as much as the next guy, but Em very rarely gets his words thrown back at him, and his arrogant status as the world's biggest rapper/rodeo clown is, more than anything, what makes Encore his worst album yet.

So, for a change, Eminem, this is me dissing you.

You've gotta get over your mommy issues. I know it was hard growing up in 8 Mile, I've seen the movie. But, seriously, you made "Cleaning Out My Closet;" now it's clean, so shut up. That, or go look at your pile of money for a while, then tell me your mom never did anything for you.

You turned Dr. Dre into a terrible producer. Remember The Chronic? That record is ill. Doggystyle, too. But then you came along, and now all Dre can do is lay down some spare piano, strings and a chunky beat, and let you attack it. Your production is worse, though, since all you do is bite Dre's beats. The phrase "on his jock" comes to mind.

You're a homophobe. I don't care how many times you say "just kidding" (although despite the ridiculous accent you cop on Encore's very homophobic "Rain Man," you don't seem to be kidding at all), that's not cool. You also seem to hate women a lot. What's the line from Hamlet? "The lady doth protest too much?" Makes you think.

Your flow isn't nearly as good as everybody used to say it was. Take Big Daddy Kane, add Kool Keith (particularly Sex Style-era Kool Keith), and it makes you. You hit the beat at the exact same time on every line of every verse, which you didn't used to do but now can't seem to avoid. Nelly sounds original by comparison.

You're scared of actually saying anything genuinely offensive, so you pick easy targets. First of all, making jokes about Michael Jackson being creepy? We know, dude. And why would you start stuff with the Olsen Twins? Or make a whole song about your beef with Triumph who, last time I checked, was a rubber dog?

Rap battles are one thing, but do you honestly think you, Eminem, are going to have some kind of feud with the barely teenaged JoJo? Or are you trying to be funny? Either way, it's not working.

Your rhymes are getting progressively worse. There's a lot of shameful stuff to point out on Encore, but man, when you say, "the only way that I am able to stay so stable is if you're the legs on my table," I'm struck dumb by how lazy you've gotten. Remember those guys in LFO who sang "Summer Girls?" Even they wouldn't drop a line that bad.

You'd be nothing without MTV. How come each one of your albums has to have a dumb party song as the first single? Oh yeah, because forget street cred; TRL is the place for hip-hop. Then this week, you've got two (not one, but two) full-length commercials running constantly on the network disguised as "exclusive programming."

Funny, I don't see the new Fabolous album getting that kind of press.

Can't sell records without the help of your pal Carson and some crap about a "Shady National Convention," can you Em? You're as real as they come, aren't you?

You know what, Em? I'm done with you now.