Those online quizzes are a great use of technology, eh?

You know the ones; which Bayside High cheerleader are you? Not only do these highly scientific surveys reveal more about me than any psychoanalysis ever could (turns out I'm a Lisa Turtle), they're yet another top notch way for me to kill time when I should be thinking of better concepts for my reviews. Or, like, school.

It's Friday, and I know you're just sitting there in class, wishing you were back in the Machiavellian splendor of your dorm room, filling out online surveys to your hearts' content, and listening to Nelly. So, for your entertainment (and my, uh, sad excuse for good journalism), I present an offline version of those quizzes you love so. And it's about Nelly! See how much sense that makes?

Are you a Suit, or a Sweat? Take this test and find out:

Are you a male, or a female? If you're a male, says Nelly, you'll like Sweat, the harder of the pair of records the superstar St. Louis rapper released this week. If you're a female, Suit, the gentler, more ballad-heavy of the two discs, is for you. Because, of course, no girl has ever liked "real" rap, just that sappy stuff. Naturally, I'm kidding. Nelly, not so much.

Do you like it when rappers refuse to switch up their flow? If you answered yes, you're a Sweat; none of that "different flow for every song" Jay-Z business for you. You like Nelly when he's rapping in the exact same way he always has on every song ever. Suit isn't quite the same (since there are fewer Nelly ballads than party tracks, you won't be quite as sick of the softer Suit already), but Nelly still does that up-and-down, every-second-syllable-emphasis thing on each and every cut.

When you're not listening to TRL-approved rap, do you prefer country or pop? If trampy singing girls are your thing, you'll want to pick up Sweat, which features the terrible Christina Aguilera collaboration "Tilt Ya Head Back" (yes, the "Superfly"-biting crap they did on the VMAs that nobody in the audience but Kanye seemed to like). But if twang is more your style, you'll love "Over and Over," featuring none other than country warbler Tim McGraw providing the hook. Looking for a crossover, are we Nelly? Sellout.

Do you like wasted talent? If so, you can go either way, so you'll have to pick: Sweat has verses from the Terror Squad, Murphy Lee and Jazze Pha, while Suit has Snoop, Mase and the incredible Anthony Hamilton. Too bad it's on a crappy record.

How about lousy guest spots? Suit and Sweat have those in spades; Pharrell continues to overstay his welcome on "Play it Off," from Suit (you're done, P, stay in the studio) and Lil' Flip is about as bad as he is on his own tracks on "Boy," from Sweat. There's more, too; I just can't bear to hear any more Nelly while I'm seeking them out.

Maybe you just shouldn't buy either. All the Cristal poppin' and dub rollin' of the last four years must've really gotten to the once-enjoyable Nelly. And so, with his street cred shot, all he can do now is make pop records and hope nobody notices.

But in a time when real MCs like Jadakiss and Petey Pablo can top the singles charts, why's Nelly gotta play so soft? And, if he's gonna stay pop, why can't he make another track like "E.I." or "Hot in Herre," instead of this hook-less, uninspired mess? I'm not a Suit or a Sweat. I'm a "just play Country Grammar some more."