I hate crowds. I don't like being stuck in the middle of sweaty people dressed in fluorescent muscle shirts who eat food from French-fried vendors.

I don't really like drunk college kids. Most of them are rude, and just make the Central Pennsylvania Festival of the Arts a sad spectacle that looks like a drunken football weekend mixed with crappy major-label bands playing late at night to avoid a riot in Beaver Canyon.

Here's to a stumbling freshman trying to pretend he's not really drunk tripping down College Avenue. Here's to the Police State that is Beaver Canyon. And here's to the thousands and thousands of people that come from all over to celebrate their 'Penn-Stateness.' You know that at least ten dads are going to buy their daughters a pair of 'butt shorts' with paw prints on them this weekend. Hands down (no pun or reference to Dashboard Confessional song intended).

I'm not really a crotchety geezer; don't worry. I do plan on enjoying some of the sights and sounds of the Arts Festival, including some of our fabulous local musicians playing all day Saturday and Sunday. And some of the events at Wordstock sound like they are right up my alley.

But I'm trying to give you, plebian, something to do to ignore the crowds this weekend and enjoy some culture at the same time. So, for the sake of maintaining the "third wall" between us, dear reader, take this list with grain of salt:

1.) VH1 debuted Guns N' Roses: Behind the Music this past weekend, and boy, do you need to see it. VH1 says on its Web site that it will be airing at 1 a.m., 6 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. Friday

I have always loved VH1 Behind the Music, mostly because the episodes run like a gigantic commercial for the featured band's new album mixed with an infomercial for D.A.R.E.

The discussion following the episode: "Dude, Motley Cruë used to mainline Jack Daniel's. I'm not doing drugs. He ended up wrecking his car with the drummer from Hanoi Rocks. Who? Hanoi Rocks."

I can't think of a better way to scare the crap out of kids who want to do drugs. But, the Guns N' Roses version is something else entirely: the band's music is great, and Slash drank a half-gallon of whiskey a day! Plus, Axl is more of a freak than I ever realized.

2.) Did you know that there is a German restaurant in Bellefonte? I didn't either, until I ended up there on a scavenger hunt for a restaurant at 9:30 p.m. on a Tuesday.

The food was pretty excellent, and the German beer was better. Schnitzel's Tavern, 315 W. High St., Bellefonte, is only a ten-minute drive, and the nice, sit-down atmosphere sure beats the walking-around-eating-in-hot-summer-weather-festival meal.

3.) You could take the Centre Area Transportation Authority bus to the Nittany Mall because, most likely, not a lot of people will be there. And the whole, lovely air-conditioned paradise of capitalism will be yours. Make sure to bring plenty of bling.

There's a lot of other stuff I left off this list, but for the sake of argument, the Arts Festival is looking like a good option.

So enjoy yourself this weekend, don't cause any trouble and try to stay away from Beaver Canyon; the surveillance cameras are going to be on this weekend.