Don't get me wrong: If there are two things I love in life, they're women and skirts.

I love all women (OK, I lied; there are a few I don't, but that's not the point), and I abso-freakin'-lutely love skirts -- especially these new floofy tennis skirts.

They're amazing.

But, it must be said. Not everyone can wear them. It's an unfortunate thing, I agree. Because, God knows, I'd love it if every woman on campus wore one.

I love them. I love the way they look. I love to look at them. I love everything about them and the women who wear them.

Yet, because so many people are wearing them, I feel some rules need to be established. Like all fads, this one has gone wildly out of control. I mean, if this were a men's fad about wearing Speedo's, I guarantee you I wouldn't be wearing one.

And it's not because I lack the coolness -- cause girl, you KNOW that just isn't true. Instead, it's because I know the form-fitting, treasure-chest-exposing swimsuit wouldn't look right on me unless I moved permanently into a gym and stuffed it with two -- no, three -- tube socks.

It's the same way with these skirts. Ladies, you're all beautiful, and you know it. You've got great legs and enough booty to make a pirate drool, but before you put on your skirt to show it off, you need to make sure you can properly wear it.

Don't worry, I've got some rules to help you out and make you look flier than Baxter Stockman.

Why am I qualified to make such requirements? Because I've been chasing skirts for as long as I can remember -- which is about the last 18 hours. But, I'm pretty sure that it's actually been more like 15 years. So, here goes:

Hips. Hips are important, especially when it comes to sporting a skirt like this one. But ladies, you need them. Thin is good, but if you don't have good birthing hips, the skirt don't work.

I mean, what guy wants to look at a droopy skirt on a beautiful woman? Not this one, I can tell you that.

Length. Length is extremely important. If the skirt is too long, your legs are going to look short and stumpy. Too short, and you're like a skank. Here's my suggestion: Make sure the pleats begin at the end of your butt. You know, where it starts to curve down to your legs.

Every hot tennis skirt I've seen has met this mark, and it's no coincidence.

The FUPA. Ah, the wild card of the tennis skirt. The FUPA (Fat Upper Pelvic Area) can cause an array of problems. If you try to cover it up, then it disrupts the true length of the skirt, thus defeating my previous point. But, if you wear a shirt exposing it, the FUPA can just make you look downright bad. Unfortunately, I don't have an easy answer for this one, other than know your own body. Like I said, I know I can't wear a Speedo, and you'll never find me playing basketball with my shirt off.

I only expect the same sort of self-awareness from you ladies.

Footwear. Though it may sound odd, footwear is an extremely important component to making the tennis skirt work. I've seen women walking around town, wearing those heavenly threads with stiletto heels. News flash: You're not Paris Hilton. And if you were, I'd suggest going to Ritenour for an examination.

In my opinion, some sort of sandal works best. Whether it's a standard flip-flop or some derivative of it, open-toed always looks best.

Follow these simple rules, ladies, and you'll be on your way to floofy tennis skirt hotness. Just remember -- all the other standard skirt rules apply.

And if you look good, send me an e-mail. I'll be here 'till May 15.