When I was told this was to be my last column, I was sent into a Nine Inch Nails-inspired downward spiral. I had so much more to share with my adoring public. There were so many adventures yet to be unfurled, so many life lessons yet to be taught, and a few more nagging social constructs I wanted to attack before I hung up the horrid mug-shot that adorned my columns.

Oh well. In the immortal words of someone at some point: c'est la vie.

Instead, I guess I'll go about the usual type of thing that gets written this time of year. You know how it is, everyone gets all moody and wistful and the yarns start spinning.

"Remember when...," and "Yeah, remember that time...," straight into "Hah, oh yeah man, remember that dude in that thing that night?" Oh, the memories.

Please excuse me; I need a tissue (pause for reflective effect). Ah, that's better.

I've realized that because we are a sitcom society, nothing is more related to our plight than the end-of-the-year clip shows that run rampant through our favorite television networks.

The Friends best of 2003! The Simpsons' props and slops of the New Year! The Golden Girls reunion spectacular!

All the best moments in one, half-hour sit down. The format is genius, so I decided to steal it. Those that can't do... er, I mean, flattery is the best form of..., ah, screw it. In true sitcom fashion, here is the "Allen's First Year of College" highlights episode.

Queue fade-in.

Remember the first weekend Allen got to school, and he and his roommate headed off to find a party? They met up with that zany alumnus from their high school and were led into their first frat extravaganza. Little did Allen know that he wasn't allowed to be at the party unless he was 21! Allen had to trick the dastardly ID checkers at the door so that he could get in. A little cunning, a little guile and some old MacGuyver moves got him through the door and on his way. A classic episode from the early years.

How about the episode when Allen watched Madonna and Britney Spears kiss? Ahaha, that wacky protagonist! That was the same one during which he skipped his first class. He didn't want to, but that darn alarm clock just wouldn't work! Allen's character really started developing in this episode, as the writers started changing him to reflect the hipper demographic that had begun tuning in.

That episode in which Allen went off to Pittsburgh on Halloween was a load of fun. A 30-minute romp through downtown Pittsburgh dressed up as a gigantic lollipop, all while ordering McDonald's, corralling drunks and convincing the girls to lick him. Talk about awkward comedy!

How about the episode during which we met all of Allen's professors! The crazy calculus professor who looked like a hobbit, and the stiff creative writing professor who taught Allen that everything has to do with sex. And who could forget the zesty philosophy professor who gave us the quote that was hanging on everybody's lips that week: "F!@# him, I'll write poetry if I want to!"

Then, the episode during which Allen went back home for Christmas break was a doozy. His 10-minute monologue at the end of the show had the whole world talking. We thought we might be losing our hero to the worldly troubles that had befallen him. He was falling off the wagon with every teen in the country pulling for him. The cliffhanger had everyone talking the next day.

Then we saw the episode in which Allen professed his love to his hometown sweetheart, and the tabloids swooned over an off-screen love affair. Were they really? Did they? Oh my! Allen swore that there was nothing true about the rumors, but I wonder if we'll ever really know.

Everyone was pulling for Allen when he went home for spring break and struggled with his family over his future as an engineer. In the end, our ardent hero was triumphant, and we all laughed and smiled as he returned to his college dorm room with a smile and a hilarious interlude with his wacky Resident Advisor.

And who could forget the season finale, during which Allen sat us all down and told us that life really was a box of chocolates. He told us all about his plans for the next season, the importance of taking it easy, and the life-affirming message of Bobby McFerrin, whose classic "Don't Worry, Be Happy" played peacefully in the background as the set of "Allen's First Year of College" faded to black.

Have a great summer, everybody, and don't forget to catch season two: "Allesaurus' Rampage Through State College!" next fall.