It's been a busy Lent for old Jesus, what with Mel and his Passion and gays with their marriage.

Not being especially religious myself (as long as I'm not getting smited daily, whatever's going on behind the scenes is just all right with me), I'm always a little taken aback by how much stock people put into the J-man. He might be your lord, but he's not everybody's; and even though he and his crew deserve mad props for coming up with a pretty good way to live your life, the image folks have of Jesus himself tends to get so twisted in reinterpretation that it's hard to know what to make of him. Well, other than bread and wine, I guess.

That's why I like 2001's Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. It's not about Jesus' struggles to come to terms with his Jesusness, nor is it about how he got whipped a lot. In fact, it's kind of like Shaft. Only instead of John Shaft, it's Jesus H. Christ. Now there's a savior we can all get behind.

Before you accuse me of blasphemy, let me say this: No one, not even Jerry "Ginger Spice" Falwell, could possibly be offended by this movie.

With tongue practically glued in cheek, Jesus fights for good, he saves who he can, he seems to stick pretty close to those Ten Commandments (you can't really "kill" a vampire, don't you know). Sure, he fights epic battles over top of trippy synth-funk music and pals around with a masked Mexican wrestler, but who's to say Jesus wouldn't do those things? Not I, friends.

The plot of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is simple enough: A group of vampires is preying on large numbers of lesbians, apparently because their skin is immune to the sun (I wasn't aware!). A group of church leaders comes to Jesus to ask for his help, and Jesus, good-hearted sort that he is, agrees.

Then Jesus fights the vampires. A lot. Atheists, too. But they started it! Jesus fights off his agitators ("Body of Christ," he says threateningly as he's kicking serious nonbeliever butt) in a style that might make even Bruce Lee a Presbyterian.

Jesus also runs into a kindly transvestite, a talking bowl of ice cream with the voice of God, and Mary, channeled through a tiny lamp, who says of lesbians, "God loves them. They get so much done in a day." Take that, anti-gay marriage pundits.

And that's the other thing about Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: Sidestepping the gruesome violence and ambiguous message at the heart of most Jesus movies, JCVH is about Jesus the miracle-doer, the exceptional entity who, whether you deem him worthy of worship or not, is still a pretty fascinating figure. Sure, this Jesus kills vampires with his bare hands, but when he says, "It's the message that's important, not the messenger," it serves as a perfect contrast to the murky moral lesson The Passion pushes. We all know Jesus died. But for what? Strangely enough, the answer to that question comes through a lot clearer via the vampire-blood than it does when Mr. Lethal Weapon tells it.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. It's as good as it sounds.

Amen.