When I was six, one of my friends and his parents dragged me to a monster truck rally.

Amidst the constant flash-bombs, the sea of foam fingers all pointing toward the finish line (note to this weekend's attendees: The drivers probably already know where that is), and the 13-year-old gentleman who jumped bikini models on a motorcycle, I was in sensory overload.

When it was all over, I went out to the lobby and actually met one of said bikini models, who very politely asked me to move out of her way. A delightful childhood remembrance, no? The only things missing from it are the trucks.

Thing is, those friggin' trucks are loud; so loud, in fact, I think I might have blocked them from my otherwise spotless memory. Little yellow foam earplugs might help a bit, but really, if you're going to watch gigantic vehicles smash things, it's going to hurt some.

My advice? Ditch the earplugs; load up the trusty iPod, and drown out the noise with these tunes. They might not compare to the sound of smashing metal on glass, but they will keep you sane in the middle of memory-scrambling decibel levels.

And besides, there's plenty of time for breaking stuff in the parking lot after the show, right? Don't say yes.

Clutch - "The Elephant Riders": Monster trucks sort of look like elephants if you squint. Mostly, this song rocks, and there's plenty of opportunities for synergistic collision-based action. Awesome.

C.W. McCall - "Convoy": Are there any other songs about giant trucks? The line about "I'm about to put the hammer down" seems like a good smashing sentiment.

John Philip Sousa - "Stars and Stripes Forever": Find a recording of this with a really good cymbal player, and you're golden. Combining old-fashioned patriotism with a lot of crashing sounds is really what monster trucks are all about, anyway.

Whitesnake - "Here I Go Again": Alternate lyrics: "Here I go again in my truck/I'm gonna smash somebody's car, 'cuz they suck/Like a trucker, I was born to run into stuff/but I've made up my mind/I'm gonna smash him one more time/here I go again." Note: Only act out the above lyrics if you are, in fact, a monster truck driver.

Waylon Jennings - "The Dukes of Hazzard (Theme Song)": I'm not explaining this one to you.

U2 - "Staring at the Sun (Monster Truck Mix)": I'll admit, I've never heard this mix. I don't really even like the original that much. I just found it on the Internet while I was writing this. But I bet it's perfect. It'd have to be, right? I mean, nothing but nothing says monster trucks like the hands-off politicisms of U2.

Radiohead - "Electioneering": "When I go forwards/you go backwards/and somewhere we will meet"? That's kind of like monster trucks, I guess. This song is noisy. Mostly, I think it'd be funny to listen to Radiohead at a monster truck rally, but that's just me.

Advertising geniuses - The song from the "Power Wheels" commercials: I know if I heard that song while watching cars get smashed, I'd never drive my Power Wheel in the street ever again. Way better than a drivers' ed. video.

Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn": You know, for the intermission. You could change the lyrics to this one, too: "Every truck has its horn," perhaps. If there's a chorus of that at the shows this weekend, I expect a royalty check.