You know, I never thought about it much, but Dr. Seuss, more than any other nonsensical children's author, really made me into the man I've become. There aren't many life lessons to be gleaned from Green Eggs and Ham (other than to eat everything put in front of you), but on some molecular level, my outlook on life has a lot more to do with Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose than, say, Emerson. Perhaps he got to you, too. May I present a few selections from the Dr. Seuss Library of Philosophy and Multi-Colored Fish:

'The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins'

A boy with a magical hat clashes against the stifling monarchy of King Derwin of Didd. Anti-authority? You bet. Seuss, you devil. Possibly my favorite book ever.

'The Lorax'

Talk about your liberal bias in the schools; I bet you all saw the movie they made of this one in kindergarten. A little walrus-looking guy warns against the destruction of the Truffala Trees, which only the kindness of a child can save. Now I know why I hate logging!

'The Sneetches and Other Stories'

Some Sneetches have stars on their bellies, and some don't. Conflict ensues. Tolerance prevails. Don't be a racist! Seriously, don't.

'I Am Not Going to Get Up Today!'

So we have Seuss to blame for my laziness, too! "Neither peas nor beans nor the United States Marines" can get this dude out of bed. Sadly, that dude is me.

'The Butter Battle Book'

I guess this one is pretty much like The Sneetches; sure, the Zooks butter their bread on the bottom, but they're no different than us. Apparently this was anti-Cold War propaganda! Who knew? I hate war even more than logging!

'Horton Hears a Who'

Way existential, dude. A speck of dust talks to Horton, who then tries to save the tiny society trapped on the speck. Think about that one. This book will also make you more tolerant of people smaller than you. I approve.