With Friday the 13th on its way tomorrow and Valentines Day on Saturday, some of you may be wondering what the stars have in store for you. Well, based on my total lack of credentials in the astrology department, here is my spot-on horoscope that will get you through the rest of February.
Aquarius: Buy a new magazine. Apparently you like water, and that's a good thing because I hear water is good for you. The heavens say drink at least eight glasses a day, but don't be surprised if you have to use the bathroom more than usual. Better make sure that magazine has interesting people in it, because if you're going to the bathroom all the time, you're not going to meet many new people. Why are you drinking so much water anyway? And what's going on in that bathroom?
Pisces: You're a slippery devil. People have been trying to get in touch with you for several days, but to no avail. Don't call them back; they probably want money. But if it's a girl, you can call her back four days after she originally called you. Thanks, Swingers!
Aries: From what I hear, you're a pretty picky person. You have good taste but are not always open to meeting all types of new people. Find someone at a party this weekend who likes lunchmeat but not sandwiches, and you'll really be happy because they're as picky as you.
Taurus: You're too damn stubborn. Give in and finally do that laundry that you've been putting off since the first week of classes. It's funny when clothes are dirty enough to do their own backflips, but nobody wants a valentine who smells like the bay at dawn.
Gemini: You'll make a new furry friend this month when you find a stray animal. Keep it safe, feed it and nurture it, and it will truly become a lifelong friend. On second thought, all that food and nurturing sounds like it's going to cost money and precious time. You're a college student, and you don't have either. Don't touch that nasty kitty; it's just a self-loving money pit.
Cancer: Take charge this month. When telemarketers call trying to get you to buy a new set of encyclopedias, don't even bother telling them you're not interested. Instead, offer to sell them some of your old textbooks so that you can have more money for the weekend. If that doesn't work, just tell them you can't read, but you really appreciate them rubbing it in your face again.
Leo: Roar! That's it. You already go to a school with a lion as its mascot, what more do you want? Spoiled Leos.
Virgo: You've had a roller coaster of a month so far, so there's only one thing to do: Buy something really expensive like a trip to Jamaica or Bali. You're already going on a trip next month? You and the Leos should hang out more, you spoiled brats.
Libra: Do something different this weekend. Don't drink at all, and instead, see if you can make your way through an entire novel on Friday night. If you do make it through, reward yourself with a beer ... er, a night out ... aww, forget the book; it's the weekend.
Scorpio: Did you know that there were ancient creatures called sea scorpions? I learned that on the Discovery Channel. Isn't that awesome? They're like your ancient undersea astrological relatives. What? A horoscope? Oh, buy your girlfriend a diamond. Girls, buy your boyfriend a boat. What? He'll let you ride on it.
Sagittarius: Opportunity is knocking at your door; are you going to answer it? You'd better, slacker; it's those damn bill collectors telling you to get off your ass and buy some stamps so you can send in those checks. How is a bill collector actually an opportunity, you ask? It's a hot bill collector, that's how. Answer that door, fool.
Capricorn: You're a free spirit who loves to have a good time. Do something creative like base jumping, or go hiking at a campsite that has been abandoned for years. Just make sure you don't do it tomorrow. And if you see anyone in a hockey mask, run.
