I hate France. I hate the French. I hate the French language and its sexual sub-textual nuances that make it seem so "romantic." I find the English language to be far more civilized and sexy, especially when spoken in a southern dialect. There is nothing hotter than a blue-eyed, blonde girl with a southern accent -- ooh la la, ya'll.

I hate French bread. I can't stand the crunchy crust on the outside that always seems to crumble all over my lap upon the bite.

I hate pastries. I'm convinced that they are part of a French conspiracy to make Americans morbidly obese so, should a worldwide famine come about, they could sail across the Atlantic and eat our sweet, fat, lazy asses.

I hate the Real World Paris. All except for Mallory -- she's fine.

I hate french fries. The French didn't even create them, so why do they lay claim to them? I'd much prefer they be called freedom fries or aussie chips.

I hate Quebec and everybody who lives there. Talk about a province of wannabes. They speak French on an English-speaking continent, they have a snotty attitude and they have strip clubs everywhere.

What a lewd, immoral race of people. I hope they do separate from Canada, because then we can bomb those wannabe-Frenchies until the countryside resembles the Sunni Triangle.

I hate those stupid hats that French guys wear. I don't even know how the French race procreates. After all, they are nothing more than a bunch of fruity homosexuals.

I hate French painters. What? Because I paint by numbers doesn't mean my painting lacks depth or deep interpretative meaning.

I hate Jacques Chirac. Talk about a socialist. We might as well call him Joseph Stalin or Jacques Strap.

I hate French revolutions. They call Americans uncivilized and immoral, yet they have to copy our revolutionary ideas and can't even get it right. They fight over cake and then storm their own buildings before deciding to change their minds and start another revolution.

But not before sending everyone who led the previous revolution straight to the guillotine. A lot of heads have rolled in France.

I hate the French flag. Obviously, our mal-informed colleagues across the pond forgot to check the colors of our flag before choosing their rip-off color scheme of red, white and blue. Why not stick to colors a bit more representative of your idiotic culture? Pink and purple, perhaps?

I hate French foreign policy. They colonized half the world, oppressed millions, left them high and dry, and now they think they have the moral high ground.

Right. Really, what do they know about wars, other than getting run over by the Germans? Don't worry, I hate Germans, too -- but that's another story.

They want us to sit and wait while they practice shady business dealings with Saddam "Spider Hole" Hussein. Don't these idiots realize that we have to "westernize" the entire world so that our trans-Atlantic economies can continue to expand?

I hate French terrorists. They are stupid. "Maybe I'll make a bomb out of my shoes, but how ever am I going to light it?" Get a little more creative with your terrorist plots, and then maybe we'll take you seriously.

I hate French "aid." They think that because they came to our aid during the American Revolution that we are forever indebted to them.

I hate Napoleon. Actually, I hate all short people. Wear some taller shoes, or grow and get that damn chip off your shoulder.

I hate French kings. They're all named Louis. Why? How about some new names like John, Paul, Ringo or George? There can never be enough Georges in this world.

I hate Chamonoix. If you want a real ski resort, try Blue Mountain.

Of course, I have never been to France. Why would I want to support their economy with my tourist dollars?

I have no French friends. Why would I want to associate myself with someone so rude, vulgar and untrustworthy? I only associate myself with people from Penns Valley.

I don't read about France. Why would I want to waste the limited space in my brain on a useless country?

I trust my president -- George (what a fine name) W. Bush -- when he refuses to listen to the worthless French opinion. We are the United States. If you don't adopt our ways, you are meaningless and obsolete. If you don't stand with us, you stand against us.

You hear that France? I'd like to see how your hunk of junk Phantom fighter jets stack up against our sleek F-22 Raptors.

France, heed this warning: If you keep acting up, you can be sure that you will all be speaking English, and eating hot dogs and drinking light beer at the home of Major League Baseball's newest expansion team, the Paris Cowards.

Maybe, when we're done tearing up the Middle East and Asia and Africa, we'll come after you.

Divinity and morality are on our side, not yours.

Try and stop us.