It all goes back to "Come Out and Play."

Remember when The Offspring used to be good? Sure, we were all a little younger and dumber then, but back when Smash was brand new, all "Self Esteem" and "Gotta Get Away" needed to be were loud and sort of clever, and we were rocked.

But then, Dexter Holland and the boys grew a sense of humor -- although not an especially good one -- and put out "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)," which wore out its welcome after the second chorus.

"Why Don't You Get a Job?" was bad, and "Original Prankster" was worse. Ever since, we've had to watch our sixth-grade heroes become increasingly irrelevant parodies of themselves.

Ten years and a string of lousy albums later, what would it take to make another great Offspring record like Smash? Well, memorable songs, for one, which the band's latest release, Splinter, is severely lacking. Holland used to be a competent singer, but that has given way to melody-challenged, high-pitched whining.

And what about that great Eastern-tinged guitar line from "Come Out and Play?" How about giving us something like that? Nope. All we get with Splinter is 11 by-the-number, pop-punk tracks, offset only by yet another moronic novelty single, "Hit That."

At least those Good Charlotte idiots can write a catchy tune. Whatever The Offspring used to have, they've lost all of it.

If you're like me, you gave up hope for these So-Cal has-beens many years ago. But even if you're still holding on, Splinter won't do a thing for you.

Punk's not dead, but The Offspring, at least, just suck now.

-- Reviewed by Paul Thompson