I'm an arrogant gift-giver; I'll be at the counter, paying for yet another Belle and Sebastian CD for some hapless cousin I'm hoping to turn away from the dark side, and the inevitable question arises; "Do you need a gift receipt with that?" Of course not! How dare you imply what I hold in my hand was not chosen with the utmost care! Which leads, of course, to me receiving a Meet the Parents DVD and wondering what cruel fate led someone to believe I might like that stupid movie. Returns happen. And, if your yuletide intake yielded anything like the items below, it's time to take them back.

Non-widescreen DVDs

Does anybody actually watch special features? The best part about DVDs is the fact that, if you're of a geeky persuasion (not, of course, that I would consider myself as such or anything), you finally get to see Marlon Brando's meaty jowls, missing for so long from those lousy square VHS transfers of The Godfather. But what happens when a hapless relative, unaware of your membership to nitpicker's anonymous, decides your winter would be warmer with the standard version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Not cool.

Books

Remember 10th grade? Remember when they made you read The Great Gatsby, and you hated it? Well, surprise, surprise; that's actually a great book. What's up with people who think they know what you like to read? It's hard enough getting through a book I picked out. Maybe that's bad.

A subscription to Entertainment Weekly

What a crappy magazine. That's all, really.

That game Cranium

You know what my favorite game ever is? Guess Who. It takes about ten seconds to play, you get to flip things, and it teaches children all about how there are more men in the world than women. Have you ever played Cranium? With the Jeopardy questions and the clay and the charades? If I wanted to think that hard, I'd go to college. Oh, wait.

Those soap and smelly stuff sets girls get

I'm not a girl myself, but I do know some, and I know that if they really want eucalyptus stink-water, they'll darn well buy it themselves. This just seems like the feminine equivalent of neckties and such; the kind of gift you buy someone when you don't know what else to get. Note to all the grandmoms in the house: when in doubt, cash trumps all.