Tuesday was Britney Spears' birthday. She's 22 now.

That's old enough to know better, right?

Yeah, so Britney and Justin broke up, and she kissed Madonna, and she's moving to Europe or something. It's pretty easy to get wrapped up in everything Spears, save for the music she makes. Strip away all the distractions, though, and what you're left with is Britney; still boy-crazy, still trying to figure out whether to be 25 or 15, still a pretty face without a whole lot behind it. And In the Zone, Britney's latest, could benefit from a few of those distractions.

Taking Britney straight? It's just a bit too much.

To her credit, it sounds like Britney's been working with a vocal coach; her usual thin, slightly-flat pipes have filled out a little bit, and she's always had a reserve the other ladies of teeny-pop could've learned something from. She's not a girl, you know, but not yet unexpectedly pregnant, and maybe all the growing she's been up to has paid off in a voice that, while still awfully mechanical, could potentially get a song across. Just not on In the Zone, I guess.

It's a mystery how Britney could've ruined absolutely everything In the Zone has to offer quite so thoroughly, but, boy, she ruined it all right. Newcomer Trixster's Timba-lite beats are actually a pretty good substitute for the real thing, and, considering the sources, even the tracks with R. Kelly and Moby behind the boards aren't too bad. But Britney, bless her soul, doesn't have any idea what to do with them.

She raps in one song. She sings with a Jamaican accent in another. Not well, mind you. She just doesn't seem to know any better.

The pop tunes, astoundingly, are worse. "Brave New Girl" could be the theme to a Disney Channel movie, but Britney being 22 and not 15, it just comes off as weird. The anemic "Shadow," brought to you by masters of formula The Matrix, will make you realize that every bad thing you ever said about Avril was wrong. At least Avril can't screw up a song written specifically to be as catchy as humanly possible.

And, of course, there's that song with Madonna, which you're undoubtedly already tired of. It's not good on the radio, and, surprise; it's not good here.

Britney against the music? Neither one seems to be winning.

Thank God for those Ying Yang Twins, who show up all too briefly in "(I Got That) Boom Boom" to mention that they and Britney "done became friends," talk about getting crunk, and run. No one would call Ying Yang Twins geniuses (although they did write "Twurkulator"), but even they have the ability to take the song's banjo-fied beat somewhere. Britney just seems lost.

How can Britney talk about getting butterflies in her stomach and having someone undo her zipper in the same song? How can she, once the top pop princess, now want desperately to be Christina Aguilera, instead of the other way around?

And how can a record with some great beats and the best singing of Ms. Spears' young career be the worst thing she's done? I don't know, and I'm not sure I'm going to figure it out.

People will buy this. Britney will still be famous. Life will go on regardless. I do know this much, though; if you're lucky enough to be able to read this paper, you're old enough to be too old for In the Zone.