A Homerian epic about the nature of man? A 90-minute diatribe on post-millenial familial relations in the animal kingdom? Cop and a Half, only with bears? Not exactly. Brother Bear, the latest paint-by-numbers Disney picture, is a movie about brothers and bears. And it's not very good.

Here's a little plot summary: There's a trio of Native American brothers, one of whom is really murderous, one of whom is some kind of guidance counselor and one of whom is Joaquin Phoenix. The guidance counselor is attacked by a bear and dies, but not before Joaquin causes an avalanche that kills the bear. Somehow, Joaquin turns into a man-bear, and the brother with rage issues spends the rest of the movie trying to kill him. Joaquin befriends a little bear (this is the root of the "Brother" part of the title, but it's so underdone, it's hardly worth mentioning), some moose and some rams. Eventually it ends. I swear, that's all that happens.

Brother Bear is a Disney movie, and as such, there's a heavy-handed moral, some songs and a happy ending. The moral seems to be that disliking bears is wrong and could lead to species transformation, which, I guess, is an important thing for kids to know. The songs are presented in the weirdest way imaginable; a character in the movie will sing a line, and then, all of a sudden, Phil Collins takes over. Figure that one out. All I'm going to say about the ending is that it includes a magical hug, a rainbow and gives the brother who spent the entire movie trying to kill Joaquin Phoenix an opportunity to tell us that "love is very powerful." Disney!

I can't really think of a time in my young life that I would've wanted to see an animated man-bear movie and particularly not one that takes itself as seriously as the first part of Brother Bear does. What is weird is, after Joaquin turns into a bear, the movie shifts tone from "serious, vaguely-historical Disney flick for teenagers" to "wacky talking-animal Disney romp for kids," and you sit there wondering who exactly they're trying to sell this to. The "Brother Bear" act of Brother Bear has plenty of your standard Disney "characters who fall down and/or act sassy are hilarious! Pile it on!" humor, but almost all of it falls flat. Even that's better than the human parts, though, which are too moody and steeped in Native American stereotype to be anything but unpleasant. Disney, again!

Of course, there's Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis, all-but reprising their beer-swilling Bob and Doug McKenzie characters to some genuine laughs. This might actually be the worst part of Brother Bear; it's the film's only sign of life, and it's such a tease that it just makes the rest of the movie that much flatter. All I can say is, this had better not be the Strange Brew sequel we've been hearing about for years.

I think I'm mostly just mad that more kids will probably end up seeing Brother Bear than last year's live-action flop The Country Bears, a legitimately inventive movie about, uh, a band of rockin' bears who live peacefully within the human-world. Brother Bear is a Disney failure on the level of The Hunchback of Notre Dame; too dark and serious for kids, too cutesy for teenagers, completely uninteresting to anyone else. You'd have more fun renting a bear costume and going to visit your little brother at school. Actually, that's not a bad idea for a movie. You've got much to learn, Disney.