The end is nigh. Theologians have recently "discovered" an addendum to the book of Revelation. Essentially this new addition to the Bible warns of new signs leading to the apocalypse.

The keynote verse reads: "When an all-night car wash is opened in Erie, PA beware the coming of the evil one who shall lead the world towards destruction and despair."

Experts are collectively trying to ascertain the symbolic meaning behind this new scripture.

Some believe that the car wash represents a catastrophic deluge that will send the chilly Northwestern Pennsylvania town to the bottom of one of the world's more disgusting lakes.

Others think that the scripture is less tangible; instead speaking of a spiritual cleansing that will transform Erie into the Mecca for Christianity.

I, however, know the truth. For on a journey to Erie, PA I discovered the 24 hour car wash in the outskirts of town.

This car wash beckoned me with its neon lights and state of the art vending machines where one can purchase everything from Turtle Wax to Skittles. It was as though, traveling down an abandoned road at 3 a.m., this car wash stood out like the star leading the three magi to baby Jesus.

As hard as I tried I couldn't keep my eyes from gazing upon this mystical wonder. The true purpose for the existence of mankind was finally revealed to me...self-destruction through over-commodification.

Seriously now, why does anyone need a 24 hour car wash?

Have we, as a civilization, finally reached the point of no return?

There may be a few legitimate reasons for this all-night car wash that must be fairly examined.

For instance, put yourself in O.J. Simpson or Kobe Bryant's shoes for a moment. It's the middle of the night and you find yourself in a pool of "evidence."

What better place than an all-night car wash to rid yourself of this minor inconvenience?

With five bucks in quarters you can save yourself the millions you would otherwise have to shell out to buy your way out of a conviction.

Or you could go for the deluxe autowash for $12.

Perhaps you might find yourself in the modeling industry the day after losing the award for best male model award to Hansel.

Your model friends decide you need a little orange mocha frappachino pick-me-up. The all-night car wash provides a safe alternative to the impromptu gasoline fight. Or maybe you just want to participate in the ageless Erie pastime, watching stuff freeze.

It's a good thing Erie may be the coldest city in the contiguous 48, meaning you can partake in this tradition from September to May.

The all-night car wash provides just the venue to douse your car in water at midnight and drink beers while you watch it freeze.

Apparently there must be more than the celebrity criminal-dumb model-polar bear club types out there to constitute a dependable marketplace for the all-night car wash to exist. Really, why does our society need this, of course why does our society need a lot of things?

Because we are Americans and we are experts at excess and living beyond our means. It's a sad testament to society when there are too few hours in the day to wash a car. If you don't have enough time in the day to wash your car it's safe to assume there are probably other things also being neglected during the day. It's just another phenomenon in the evolution of the United States toward a citizenry that is too busy for their own good.

People always have been, but even moreso today, too consumed by their limited frame of reference to acknowledge a world of problems that exist. Penn State is a microcosm to that effect.

Students walk through their day too busy, for the most part, to notice the simple actions that could be taken on an individual level to make this university a better place.

Things like taking a few minutes to become educated on the issues that affect the lives of countless peers, or registering to vote, or participating in the self-governance of the student body or writing a letter to the editor in an expression of democratic freedom.

Instead we all crush everything into the day before running out of time and retreating to our all-night car washes needlessly.

Except in State College these all-night car washes have names like Café, Skeller or Players; and, instead of washing cars these establishments wash away any guilt one might feel for being too busy to really experience life.

Maybe we should all take a few minutes every day to look at our environment and existence and reverse this trend of self-destruction through over commodification and stop the impending apocalypse.

As for the second part of the doomsday verse, the part describing the coming of the one who will lead the world to destruction ... well I wonder if he is supposed to have big ears and a Texan accent?