Lately I've been troubled by the fact that I'm three weeks away from graduation and I don't have a post-graduation plan. But this afternoon, just after my car was towed, I finally found my true calling. Here's the plan: I'll take out loans or sell a kidney and buy a decrepit house a few blocks from campus. Then I'll rent it to unsuspecting, optionless students and extort them for every penny they have. I won't pay for water, gas, electricity, phone, cable or trash removal, but I'll charge them more than $300 a month to live with cracked walls, caved-in ceilings and uneven floors. On top of that, I'll squeeze them for $600 a semester to park in their backyard.

Then I'll buy a towing company. I'll pay minimum wage to anyone who's willing to stake out every parking garage and open lot from here to Bellefonte so they can pounce on parked cars with lightning speed. I might even consider an extra bonus for employees who can catch students before they finish unloading their groceries. Not only will I be the richest person in State College, but I'll never have to lift a finger!