Pride Week, Silence Week, I think there was even Shy and Socially Awkward Week, but all the participants stayed in their rooms.
Presumably they and just about everyone else wrote a lot of letters: The paper has been filled with letters and columns arguing over which group is oppressed the most. Lately I'm under the impression that it's a badge of honor. Go back to your "socially accepted" cliques, you conformity-loving, coddled bastards!
So who's more oppressed? Is it Republicans or Democrats? Homosexuals or heterosexuals? Protesters or pro-war activists? Given the turmoil I've seen in my three years here, I'm surprised no one has yet demanded the White Building be destroyed because it is inherently racist.
The sad thing about the whole situation is that no one cares about other, equally important, groups. What about those with tender asses? I demand Penn State re-evaluate sanitary policies and provide more choices with which to wipe! I will gladly approve next year's 478 percent tuition increase or whatever it will be if we're offered two-ply in each stall.
Why has no Undergraduate Student Government candidate yet stated a desire to do something about the awful practice of testing? I have years of empirical evidence gathered from high school, college, dates, church services and family reunions that indicates I'm incapable of operating in an acceptable fashion in any situation, let alone take a test. Outrageous!
Even something as basic as gender differences is wrought with double standards. I have been informed I can not enroll in the women's ballroom dancing course, nor do I think I'd be welcome on the women's basketball team. I could stop whining and go out for the men's team, but I want to experience some success.
But perhaps the most forgotten group is one that has suffered through more turmoil than Iraqi civilians caught in war or even Pittsburgh Pirates fans. It's a group that many of us ignore right as the day begins. I am, of course, talking about the plight of the cereal mascot.
There are simply too many cases of this injustice for me to devote adequate time to all. I'd love to go in-depth and outline my theory as to why the Cookie Crisp dog has been taken from the robber and forced to join the cop.
Regardless of the fact I hate the cereal, I think it's a damn shame that two of the original Cinnamon Toast Crunch chefs were obviously forced -- or murdered in a violent coup by the other chef -- to retire in a cost-saving move. And even poor Sonny of Cocoa Puffs fame has his own company enticing kids to drive him to madness.
Instead, I've chosen a poster child for my campaign. Much like how no one would have cared about the Superfriends/Justice League if Superman wasn't at the forefront, the cereal equality movement needs a harrowing spotlight case to propel it into the mainstream. That is the Trix rabbit.
General Mills outright declares its discrimination: "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Yet he tries in vain to obtain some Trix. The sadistic children relentlessly taunt him as they flaunt their excess cereal, which for some reason is eaten outdoors in the middle of the day. It's true that he usually cons the cereal away but then launches into an idiotic diatribe about how great it will be to finally eat it; stupidity is no reason to tolerate the heinous acts committed by General Mills. Where's PETA when you need them?
The worst part is that they obviously force the rabbit to shill. He appears on the box and encourages me to eat it, but I know damn well he's never tasted it. I acknowledge he's tasted Trix Yogurt, but any respected scientist will tell you that's hardly the same thing.
The potential consequences of ignoring the problem are grave. Some people fear increased hatred towards the United States as a result of war. I fear reprisals from cartoon mascots.
We've already seen Lucky the Leprechaun deliberately develop new tasty Lucky Charms marshmallows only to inform the kids they can't try it. Perhaps these same children are so hurt they take their frustrations out on the rabbit. In any case, one thing is clear: Keep ignoring the situation and they will strike back.
So, what to do? Well, so much of the world is black and white between liberals and conservatives at the moment. I recommend the bleeding heart liberals organize protests and refuse to eat any wheat-based product. Hell, just boycott the food pyramid all together. The whole thing is built upon the grain group, which is the cause of this mess.
That leaves the Republicans. To you I say: Screw the stupid rabbit! Silly conservatives, caring is for losers.
