Being that many of us were out of town last week, it might have been easy to miss some major developments in the war on terror.
Following on the heels of the arrest of Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed, a new sense of optimism was nearly tangible. Unbeknownst to us vacationers, our government was hard at work taking action to secure America's freedom.
Let's count the ways:
1) House of Representatives Administration Committee Chairman Bob Ney took startling action on Tuesday, declaring House cafeteria French fries henceforth "freedom fries."
This daring maneuver follows in the footsteps of a restaurant in North Carolina and boldly defies terrorism supporters worldwide.
"I take it seriously," Ney said, "and I'll tell you, a lot of people around the building are taking it serious." To prove just how serious he was, Ney went so far as to ban French toast as well. And, gosh darn it, there's more where that came from.
"We're not touching French dressing yet," admonished House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer, "but we'll consider it.
"Hit 'em where it hurts," he added.
Hoyer, unlike Ney, was speaking in jest. Unfortunately, we should keep in mind that the joke is, in fact, the U.S. Congress.
For a country trying to shake the image that our president is a cowboy and our diplomacy is childish, this is interesting behavior to say the least.
Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey swiftly "reported" on Weekend Update that the French do have a response, however. In this new Cold War of wills, the French are renaming American cheese "idiot food."
2) Secretary of State Colin Powell told NBC's Meet the Press that his use of forged documents in his Feb. 5 presentation to the United Nations was "fine."
Yes, it appears documents on Iraqi nuclear development that the United States presented to the U.N. -- and President Bush used in his State of the Union Address -- were "obvious fakes," according to the International Atomic Energy Agency.
The White House has conceded that these documents are indeed fakes. One document that supposedly bears the signature of Niger President Tandja Mamadou is a "childlike" forgery, immediately recognized by U.N. intelligence. Another military document supposedly from the 1980s bears the date "October 2000."
Said Powell: "It was the information that we had. We provided it. If that information is inaccurate, fine." Oh, ok.
What? Our Secretary of State has just validated the use of forged documents for initiating what could be a massive, long-term military conflict. Anyone remember the Gulf of Tonkin?
Iraq isn't Vietnam, but it's starting to look more and more like it. How could these forgeries elude the CIA, the most sophisticated intelligence agency in the world? Was it just incompetence? Not likely, according to bewildered former CIA official Ray Close.
"Incompetence I have not seen in those agencies," he told CNN. "I've seen plenty of malice, but I've never seen incompetence." Draw your own conclusions.
3) President Bush spent spring break on a remote Portuguese island with Tony Blair. No, seriously.
Amidst worldwide weekend anti-war protests, Bush emerged from Camp David to meet Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar on the island of Terciera, which is part of the Azores island chain off the Atlantic coast of Africa.
Bush also telephoned Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, but he wasn't free this weekend.
The retreat, which the New York Times dubbed "The Summit of Isolation," was billed as a way of supposedly dealing with the recalcitrant United Nations. But in attempting to rally support for invasion, Bush has been reduced to speaking with those who already support him -- and is doing so nestled away on a remote island, safe from pestering protesters.
This slumber party is so insulated from reality that it is a farce, a microcosm of the sitcom that American diplomacy has become.
Ultimatums belched from the Azores reflect this administration's regard for its allies; "discussing" with the U.N. is purely a matter of hoop-jumping and wine-toasting.
Somewhere in a remote, undisclosed location, Dick Cheney must be wishing he'd been invited too.
4) In "entertainment news," last Tuesday the Air Force test-dropped MOAB, the Mother Of All Bombs. MOAB, quite simply, is one big friggin' bomb.
Weighing in at 21,000 pounds (think two full-grown elephants) MOAB has been suggested as a symbolic weapon for pulverizing Saddam's palaces. Not to be outdone by the Dixie Chicks, apparently, even the military has taste for artistic expression. Respect the MOAB, Saddam. Makes you feel kinda warm and fuzzy.
Yes, it's good to be back from spring break. Sleep easy America, for as war draws near, our finest hour is now upon us.
From the cafeterias of the House to the beaches of the Azores, our presence is being felt. Freedom fries for the world!
We say to the United Nations: Follow us, or else be irrelevant. Why would you possibly resist?
