Valentine's Day is a scant week away. It's a day that means different things to different people. For couples, it's a chance to reaffirm their feelings for each other and enjoy a day of overpriced dinner, flowers, and possibly even hotel rooms. It's like living in the inflation-plagued economy of the early 1970s for a day. Hooray!

For the American government, it's a day that maybe, if the cards fall just right, just maybe, a day to bomb the hell out of Iraq. (Side note: since I am now a writer, I can get uptight about English rules. Therefore, I support war against Iraq unless it agrees to rename itself Iraqu.) Maybe it can send along a customized batch of the awesome candy Necco Sweethearts, which is the only good thing about Valentine's Day anyway: "(We suspect) You're nuclear!" "Wanna see my 'weapon of mass destruction'?" "Die, Die, Die!"

And for the rest of us, the forlorn losers of love, Valentine's Day is simply the day the world collectively decides to go overboard and taunt single people.

Yet, I'm convinced every person can find true love. I'm out to answer the question the band Foreigner posed to the world so long ago in the hit song "I Want to Know What Love Is." Clearly Foreigner was a prophetic band, leaving the human race a question. Answer it, and all problems are solved.

So how did I start such a mammoth undertaking? The only way a student knows to find an answer anymore: consult the Internet. Googlism.com, a site that tells you what Google.com "thinks" of certain topics, seemed like a good start. Asking what "love is" yielded no good results, aside from this one: "love is is come come aÃm aÃm gain." So I suppose love is what The Simpsons character Apu might shout during sex. Lovely.

Frustrated and more than a little concerned about my cartoon pornography thoughts, I realized the only way to find out what love is was to determine what exactly it is that people expect from the opposite sex.

Guys are pretty simple to keep happy and expectations are low. Good food, beer, TV, sex and our favorite team winning the Super Bowl are standard goals. If a girl can provide the first four or re-enact the Miller Lite catfight commercial with a friend, we're happy.

That part was simple. Halfway there! Now all I had to figure out was what women want from men. That's hard.

Hard? Hmm ... my dirty mind went into overdrive and arrived at the obvious answer: length.

At least that's what my e-mail inbox has led me to believe. I'm constantly bombarded with messages urging me to increase my size with some magic pills. It seems that when I registered for The New York Times Web site I accidentally checked the "Yes" box for the "Do you wish to receive information regarding ways to increase the pitiful size of your manhood?" question. $60 a month and you're on your way to a better life! But since I'm certain these things don't work -- no need for boring details -- I had to find another thing women want.

Then I remembered the 2000 movie What Women Want, and read some reviews, hoping for insights. To my surprise, Roger Ebert gave a direct answer in his review: "What women want is very simple: A man willing to listen when they're speaking to him. They also want a lot of other things, but that will do for starters.'

Right. As if it could really be that easy. I've heard those tired arguments before: I just want you to listen to what I have to say. Don't put out a hit on my family to get the insurance money. Let's do something I want to do. Don't ask me to make out with my friends.

That's it! I found the answer. Women want Mel Gibson. This can be scientifically proven with a fun home experiment: Play the Braveheart scene where Mel and his army show their asses. As always, remember to be safe when conducting experiments and wear earplugs to protect your ears from the shrieks of your female companion. Well, that doesn't help me. You can't do too much to improve looks.

Depressed that I couldn't solve the mystery in the 20 minutes I allotted myself, I plopped myself down on the couch to watch some television.

"Next up on Fox, Joe Millionaire!"

Yes! Love is $50 million. It made the girls on the show happy, and the diamond companies are built around the notion. But the adage says you can't buy happiness, so I doubt you can buy love. That is, unless scientists can finally make those damn pills work.