I'm a Collegian columnist. I have my picture in the newspaper. I write. I especially like to write using $5 college words.

I am an intellectual powerhouse. I masturbate with words. Words like "bad" or "good" are just too simple for me. I prefer to throw in buzz words such as "malevolent" and "auspicious." And everyone needs a little use of "heuristic" in their prose. My IQ is higher than yours and you should recognize that when you read this column. I write to be acknowledged.

I write about world issues and have never left Centre County. I watch FOX News. My world views are not completely actualized, but I pretend that they are. I am not an expert in any field, yet I somehow know everything there is about U.S. foreign policy, creationism, psychology, philosophy, economics and relationships.

I ask all the people in my classes if they read my column in the paper. I make sure everyone I meet knows that I am a Collegian columnist. I e-mail my published columns to my friends from high school. This position will look good on my resume. I am the next William Safire.

My columns belong in a book titled College Life: Memoirs of the Disillusioned.

I flip out on my editor because she cuts a line from my masterpiece and it ruins my whole point. I have been given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make more than 40,000 media impressions. I make grammatical errors and misuse words. I embarrass my academic department. I ask rhetorical questions. What is my point? I hate clichés, but find them unavoidable.

I write about my latest life shattering revelation. Oh my God! College is a microcosm of society. Doh! I am going to have to get a job!

I have bland opinions. I am pragmatic. I often write about things no one really cares about. My acquaintances say that I write like Captain Obvious ... I don't get what they mean. I never take a true stance. LJ should have won the Heisman. I contradict myself.

I conquered a huge barrier that kept me from my true potential. I was an anorexic, sadist, manic-depressive, kleptomaniac drunkard that cried every time I had to eat lunch alone.

I am your inspiration. If I can do it, you can do it. My problems are now your problems.

Did I mention that my picture is in the newspaper? Did I mention that it took me 68 tries just so I could give you that perfect smile?

I will take any chance to refer to Jell-O shots, my hangover, JoePa, The Simpsons, a fraternity party, post 9-11 America, Players, or my terrible love life. I go to Late Night Penn State at the HUB.

I think I am going to write my next piece on cell phone use. Wouldn't that be original? Wait! How about the war on Iraq? Or maybe a deep philosophical rant about reality TV as the downfall of society? Or maybe about a fraternity party dance floor as a metaphor for life?

I write my columns while bathing in Red Bull because I want to be a modern day Kerouac. I write my columns on LSD because I want to be Hunter S. Thompson. I write my columns with a rifle on my shoulder and a Bible open on the table because I want to be Moses, I mean, Charlton Heston. I often quote Oscar Wilde and my favorite Broadway star Liza Minnelli. I argue with the Willard preacher.

I fulfill a demographic for the Collegian. I use slang to sound like your "peep" so I don't lose my target audience. I fume over letters to the editor about my columns. I laugh when they logically bash my argument in one simple sentence.

I tell you how to think. I am a media pundit. I reiterate what national columnists are saying. I barely make sense. I add to the wealth of social capital in the community. I boast of my achievements. I use the term, "We as Americans ..." and encourage students to participate in blood drives.

I am too liberal. I am too conservative. I am a centrist. I am an elitist.

My subtle attempts at humor fail miserably. I insist on keeping phrases such as "walk of shame" and 'freshman 15" as part of the Penn State student vernacular. My instant messenger name is 1HotColumnist4U. Remember my name, I will be famous someday.

I am everything that is wrong about the Collegian. I am everything that is right about the Collegian.

I am a Collegian columnist.