If you are even thinking about going to see Steven Seagal and Ja Rule's new film, Half Past Dead -- don't.

It's the same as any other Seagal movie, except that he put on a few pounds, cut off the ponytail and tries to act like a thug. He also manages to karate kick his way through a plot that twists in too many ways, making it the hardest thing to understand since quantum physics.

Seagal's earlier films were always tacky and delightfully overdone, with non-stop action and simplistic plots that a chimpanzee could follow. His action movies were not bad; they did not pretend to be something they were not.

That is the problem with Half Past Dead. In a horrid attempt, it tries to add complexity to the action formula and fails miserably. A 5-year-old could concoct a better plot.

The movie's abrupt beginning shotguns the viewer into an endless barrage of stupidity, one action sequence after another. Every character entering the plot is a stereotype, without any other meaning besides moving the plot forward. There are no redeeming qualities, unless you get a kick out of Ja Rule teaching Seagal how to say, "aight," instead of alright.

Everyone watching a Seagal movie knows that substance is not going to be of utmost importance in the film, so why is there a sequence that philosophizes the afterlife?

The title of the film comes from the fact that Seagal flatlines for 22 seconds after being shot, so he literally is half-past dead. This was 15 minutes into the movie, and it probably should have ended there.

It honestly made me think about my own demise, and I think I wasted two hours of my life that I'll never get back. Grade: D-