Let me get something out of the way: I am recovering from an eating disorder. I had one for years, and am ecstatic to write that I am doing much better. That said, someone with an eating disorder might find this column could trigger unhealthy behaviors. I hope this isn't the case.

We all know we are not supposed to have an eating disorder, but somehow they can develop anyway. Why? I don't know. No one starts out wanting to be "that girl" (an important note, a growing number of males are suffering from eating disorders), because that girl went too far with something that was otherwise totally acceptable: watching her weight. Women especially talk about their diets. Caloric intake, the Atkins diet, exercise regimes, and thighs are -- bizarrely -- all favorite conversation staples. Who isn't a little jealous of the one at the table with the self-control to skip dessert and everything fattening, meal after meal? She always looks so put together and in control (this is a huge generalization that never applied to me); life must be great for her, despite the monotony of meals. But professionals, and I am a big believer in this also, say "that girl" is dealing with much more than a weight fixation. She (or he) has low self-esteem, is probably depressed, cheating herself out of personal relationships with family and friends, and most of all, her youth.

A diet is a food thing. Eating disorders may begin that way, but quickly become a life thing: self-denial of relationships, emotions and experiences. When the body is deprived, it becomes starved for nutrition, and this commonly results in food obsessions. Sometimes one develops food rituals, like cutting food into many tiny portions. For me, eating in public was hard; I never felt like I was acting quite right and was paranoid that I was being watched and judged as fat by people, even my own family.

Thinking can actually be considered irrational because of an undernourished brain in some cases. It becomes hard to concentrate; the body tires easily; headaches are a problem; and you feel shaky. Life revolves around the diet or the next binge, always a crazy flip-flop between two extremes. You plan for a life that will start only after you are skinnier And purging is accompanied with a promise to oneself that "this is the last time."

People with eating disorders are not just the "skinny" people. Metabolisms react in different ways, and despite efforts, one can even gain weight. An eating disorder itself takes many forms; the person who eats tissue paper to stave off hunger pains may be as deep into her disorder as the woman who disappears into her room with a grocery bag filled with "bad" food. Generally, and there are exceptions to this, what they share is dissatisfaction with their bodies and a deep depression.

I don't want this to be a tip sheet for people in a disorder. It is a running debate whether media coverage of eating disorders is a good thing. Pro-ana and pro-mia (short for pro-anorexic and pro-bulimic) Web sites, offering in my opinion a plethora of advice on suicide by starvation, became well known only after the coverage they received from the news media.

But eating disorders have, at 30 percent, the highest rate of death out of any other psychological illness. The damage sustained by the body can lead to complications such as infertility, osteoporosis (something I used to think only grandmothers had) and tooth decay among many other worse things.

With that in mind, there is one thing I especially want to caution against: Ipecac syrup, which is sometimes used to purge food. Ipecac, whose sole purpose is to induce vomiting after swallowing poison, becomes more dangerous with increased use. The syrup itself is a poison, attacking the central nervous system and stomach to induce vomiting, and then remains in the body's system for weeks. If Ipecac is taken again while still in the system, then the poison builds up, weakening the heart. Karen Carpenter, the former recording artist, died of cardiac arrest caused by Ipecac abuse.

Not a pretty feminine disease at all, an eating disorder is gritty and real. It is seeing meals at the bottom of toilet bowls, waking up with a headache, stomach pains, feeling weak and hating life. And it is a cycle, one that may become impossible to break without help. But recovery is possible.

I myself have been on the road to recovery for two years. It takes a while. Eating disorders are painful -- so is recovering. After years of dealing with life through food issues, dealing with life directly can be scary and exhausting. It means learning to be assertive, to talk to the people who love you -- not just to tell them what they want to hear. This was a big one for me. For years, my mom had no idea I had a problem. Now, when I try to tell her I had a good day, she sometimes feels the need to ask me three times. Can I blame her? I have a dishonest history. Telling my parents that I was in trouble and needed help, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. But trying to change my entire way of thinking was even harder.

Does this sound cliché? An eating disorder is causing you to miss something, sure. Life. But when you are in the disorder, you don't know it. This "thinning" disease is not enviable or politely feminine. When I see a woman, no matter what her size, eating like a bird at what is probably her main meal of the day I think, "What is this shit?"

I wrote this column with reservations. I feel as if I sound overly dramatic, and I am worried about people I know reading this. But I see a lot of girls on this campus who look a little too thin to me. Their shoulder bones are just barely visible, their cheeks a little puffy with their eyes a little bloodshot. I wonder what they are eating; tissue paper, nothing, or thousands of calories in one sitting? I worry they're purging in the bathrooms, and promising themselves it'll be the "last time."

It always starts out gradually. I have never heard of anyone developing a raging disorder overnight. In months or years, you might notice that you have an exceptionally prominent spinal column, or you may look perfectly healthy but have a heart condition. Regardless of the medical complications, every one is masking another problem that they cope with through the disorder.

Sorry I cannot end this column brilliantly with some wonderful piece of advice. Go find it somewhere else. If your first thought when you wake up is how much you weigh, or you find yourself planning for a life of when "you are skinnier," or if you can't seem to stop thinking about food: Get help. Eating disorders come in every variety. Ask a professional to evaluate whether it is something you need to deal with. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.