Freshman. I hate you with the fury of one thousand raging hell fires. Why? Because you make me feel old. But rather than chastise you (you have enough to worry about already) I shall impart some practical pearls of wisdom I've garnered during my four years at University Park.

I was once a skinny punk with blond streaks in my hair walking about this immense institution of higher education with no clue as to what the heck was going on. Three weeks from graduation I see myself as a wise old sage seeking to educate you before your professors have a chance to.

First of all, don't stress. You are going to be bombarded with papers, exams and reading assignments that have the potential to render your social life a non-existent facet of your days. For example, one Wednesday you might have a speech, a paper and an Italian exam.

All you have to do to avoid going postal is study your Italian and do the speech and paper on something you are interested in. When I was a freshman, I did a paper on the legalization of marijuana for English 15, a speech on how to yo-yo for Speech Communications 100, and still got a B on my Italian exam. The beautiful thing about college is you can write or speak about absolutely anything as long as you have some idea what you are talking about. You can even fake it and still come off sounding intelligent.

You can give a speech on the South American cousin to the llama (the alpaca) or write a paper on how darts is the only sport where drinking improves your aim (it's true -- I've conducted several experiments) as long as you kind of know what you're talking about.

Secondly, every single professor you have will automatically assume that they are your only professors and that their classes are your only ones. It's as if all the professors meet in a secret society and schedule every major grade-determining assignment at the same time. It's downright treachery.

This will give you an opportunity to hone your skill of reading people, a skill that each and every one of you has a chance to develop. By the third week of class you should have determined what type of work and effort your professors expect. From personal experience, this gives you a B- -- at least.

Third, I consider what I'm about to tell you now a personal favor and I expect something in return. These are some of the "best" classes to take. For some quick GQ's (general quantification credits if you don't know) take Math 35, the history of math, or as I like to call it "math with no numbers."

There is no more beautiful thing, no more exquisite privilege, no more life-saving grade altering GPA boosting phenomena than "the curve." I hope you experience its captivating powers one day. For some science credits, take STS 150, or "Out of the Fiery Furnace." When I took it, it met two days a week and Thursday was "movie day." I don't want to tell you anymore because the university might come down on these classes and make them harder. And I don't want to be the jerk who ruins it.

The bottom line is this: You are about to spend four years in a place with thousands of people are into the same things you are.

Pass your classes.

Get your degree.

Enjoy your four-year window of no responsibilities.

If you don't understand me now, wait until you're three weeks from graduation and read this again.