Matt Senneca is, by your definition, the ultimate loser.

But he wasn't always.

There he was on Media Day, walking out a half-hour into the session and that's all it took. Reporters literally left their interviews in mid-sentence to rush to him. Television crews that had been taking shade from the August sun all day sprung to life to get their microphones close enough to him.

And he was witty and happy and optimistic and charismatic and he was the Penn State Quarterback.

The Penn State Quarterback.

Standing just off to the left was a kid named Zack Mills. You know him now, but you didn't then. Not a soul in the room was talking to him. It was bliss that covered his face, knowing it would all come to him some day. He was trying out his own lines in his head, his own smiles for the cameras. His day would come.

But that day, less than a year ago, belonged to Matt Senneca.

What happened next is not the stuff of tragedies, as some would have you believe. No, it wasn't anything but the stuff of a football season, the ups and downs of tossing a ball around for the entertainment of millions.

November came and Matt Senneca wasn't in the middle of the circle anymore. By that time everyone had made up their minds about him. Internet bulletin boards told everyone what type of guy he was. The media called him the problem and Mills the solution.

Just like that, for all of you, everything had changed and you had left Matt Senneca behind.

His choke didn't come in the big game, on the last play in that clutch situation. No, he mucked up a whole career. As a football player he had failed, so nothing else mattered about him anymore.

So why did it surprise you when he walked away from football with a year of eligibility remaining? Why do you still question his decision? Why have you made all of your own conclusions about what drove him to leave Penn State football behind?

Why have you always wondered about him but never wanted to hear what he has to say?

Especially when all you had to do was ask.

-- -- --

The following account is Matt Senneca's recollection of his college football career as told to the writer.

These are the best times, the times that nobody can see and the times that mean the most to me. Zack and Shawn are here with my roommates Jimi and Pete and we're all just watching TV. Jimi is trying to take Zack's chicken sandwich, but nothing really gets to Zack. You've seen him on the field before and he's a lot like that off the field: unshakeable. The other guys are talking about movies we want to see. As for me, I'm just listening and relaxing. A friend of mine from home should be over soon.

It's a Saturday afternoon in April and those guys are in the middle of spring practice. They're going to be the heart of that team next year. Zack is going to do a great job behind center. Pete is going to get some carries behind Larry. Shawn is a rock in the secondary and Jimi will challenge for a linebacker spot. It's going to be a great team and I couldn't be happier to be with these guys right now, just relaxing.

People still ask me why I decided not to play, but none of them listen to the answer. They've already figured it out for themselves: I listened to the fans and the media and walked away because I didn't have the type of season I wanted to have. It doesn't really register for them, I guess, that I could have something bigger to worry about. But they don't know my situation and they never have. A lot of what people think about Matt Senneca comes from their assumptions. They don't know me. They don't know my situation. It makes them feel good to think they know, to think it could be as simple as they want it to be. What's more, they love to talk. You learn that as a Penn State football player: people are going to talk. But it's a situation I put myself in, and I wouldn't change anything about it.

There are still Penn State football posters all over my room. I've got this picture of myself after the Indiana game where I'm holding up my helmet and you can see the whole stadium behind me. Wherever I end up, that picture is going with me. I look at it and I see myself being who I know I can be. That sounds like such a simple thing, but it wasn't easy this season. Then again, you don't learn much from something if it is easy.

There wasn't a single school that recruited me at any position other than quarterback. I'll be the first to admit that my high school success was the product of an incredible program with an amazing system. I can't ever say that any of that was my doing. But to me, football is the ultimate team sport. You are always counting on the other ten guys out there. Nobody wants to let their teammates down and every single time I've walked off the field, I've known that all the guys walking with me just played their hearts out. Everyone wanted to say that guys weren't catching passes for me or linemen weren't blocking this season. That's the sort of stuff we laugh about in the locker room.

I got my first scholarship offer in the beginning of my junior year from Syracuse. That was the first time I started thinking I could play at this level. I've always had faith in myself -- and I still do -- but knowing that somebody else thinks you can do it means a lot. Notre Dame, N.C. State, North Carolina -- they all thought I could do it. They all wanted me to come down there and play quarterback even though I only threw the ball five times a game in high school. When somebody else sees something in you, it allows you to see things that were probably always there but you never noticed before.

In the eighth grade I went out to Notre Dame for a game. I saw the pep rally and the people outside the stadium and the Golden Dome and knew I wanted to play there. South Bend has just got a feeling to it. The Irish were No. 1 in the country after upsetting Florida State the week before. Boston College drove 51 yards in 1:09 to set up a game-winning 41-yard field goal with five seconds left. The sun was just going down as we were walking out of the stadium, and I knew, no matter what, that I wanted to be a part of a big-time college football program.

What kept me in Pennsylvania was my family. My grandfather never once missed one of my dad's games at N.C. State when he played on the defensive line. I wanted to be able to have that. Looking up into the stands at that mass of bodies and knowing that you have people who love you sitting somewhere in there drowns out all the boos. In that picture after the Indiana game, I'm not looking up at the student section. My dad and I are just locked in on each other, and I can tell what he is thinking just from seeing him up there. And he knows what I am thinking. My family has always been behind me. I can always go there and be myself. To them, I'm just Matt and none of this is a big deal.

This season may have been tougher on my parents than it was on me. Moms know what's going on inside their kids. They can just tell -- it's that whole intuition bit. My mom could feel that I was going through a rough time this year and it really ate her up. I'd call at 3 a.m. just to talk. To them, I probably sounded tired and frustrated. I had plenty of sleepless nights. I can see how it would be tough for them to deal with everyone calling their kid a bum and saying he wasn't worth anything as a person. But I hope they know that I never listened to any of that stuff, so it never really got to me.

It's cliché, but no one was harder on me than I was. The clock read 4 a.m. and I'd be sitting there beating myself up over a bad pass or a missed read. Everyday in practice, I went out and got the job done. The guys would all see it. Joe obviously saw it, otherwise he wouldn't have stuck me in there. So I don't know what happened when we finally took the field. I don't know why I wasn't making the plays I wanted to make. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. That's what kept me up. That's what I had to carry around campus with me. That was the toughest thing I've ever gone through: my own failure.

So I should have felt sorry for myself. I should have sulked and listened to everyone who told me how bad I was. But it doesn't work that way here. They build us differently here.

My first season was the second toughest thing I've ever gone through, but it prepared me for this. It's not easy for anyone to leave home and start college. It's harsh. But try adding football to the mix. You've got to adjust to a new life off the field, and for me, at least, it felt like a new game on the field, too. The speed of the college game is amazing. You have to learn all the terminology and the jargon the coaches use to explain the systems. You have to learn to push yourself because the same effort you gave in high school isn't going to cut it anymore. You learn real quick what it means to wake up at five every morning and be ready to go. It's not enough that you just got up early. When you get to that weight room, you have to face J.T., and he's never going to let you sell yourself short. For him, it's all about mental toughness. He expects you to give him everything you've got. You'll be sitting on a machine and maybe your mind will start worrying about the physics test you have in five hours, which is before many students wake up. Maybe you'll start missing your mom's meatloaf. But you can't have those thoughts for too long, because as soon as it's your turn to start lifting, you've got to push up and up while J.T. tells you to keep pushing. Keep pushing, he says, even long after you've lost all control of your arms.

But you know what? It's the best feeling in the world when you are done. It's great because you know you survived and you know that the next time, he's only going to push you harder. The ultimate lesson J.T. teaches you is that, even when it feels like you have nothing left to push with, it's most important to at least give it a try.

After what he put me through, this year was nothing. Everything people wrote about me or said about me or thought about me didn't mean a thing. I'd come home to five emails a night and three phone calls from people I didn't even know telling me how bad I sucked or how I should transfer. I'd read things about Zack and me hating each other, and Zack would be standing right next to me laughing along. None of it mattered to me. These people had no idea what they were talking about. How are they going to tell me what I should have done? They don't know the program and all of them would give their right legs to have the opportunity that I had.

Kevin Thompson once told me -- and I can still picture him saying it now -- that around here, the backup quarterback is always the favorite. It's absolutely true. I knew that when they were calling for me instead of Rashard. But it was his time; he had earned it. You come here and you put your time in. It's the way the program works.

But the bottom line is winning. Zack went in and got the job done. Not many people saw it, but Zack and I were the first guys to slap hands at the sideline. He'd come off and I'd be the first one there to give him a little hug and say 'Good job.' We'd sit and talk about what we were seeing or what we should be doing. If he scored a touchdown, that's all that matters. I just wanted to be a part of making this team what I knew it could be. There's not a guy on the squad who wasn't willing to do whatever he needed to do to make this a winning football team. If that meant holding for extra points, then so be it. You do what you have to do to win football games. That includes practice. So much of what we do comes during the hours we put in during the week. Nobody sees us, but that is where a team is really made, and no player is more important than another.

Which is why nobody will ever take that moment away from me when I trotted onto the field in front of almost 110,000 fans for the Miami game. The sun was just going down and it reminded me of the gloaming in Notre Dame. Adam had just walked out of the tunnel. After that injury, none of us were sure if we'd ever see it again. But there he was, doing it. All of us just watched. It was bigger than anything we could comprehend. So when we got our turn to take the field, we made the most of it.

Miami was the best team in the country last year. They proved it time after time. There was no one else even close. We just had the unfortunate duty of taking them on first. And I still believe we did everything we could that game. My linemen were great. The receivers were on all night. We just couldn't match up with them.

Still -- starting quarterback at Penn State in front of so many people against the best team in the nation. How many people can say that? One.

Sure, I got tired of the heckling. Every time a teacher called my name in class I had 100 kids looking at me like I was the biggest asshole ever. Yet, the only way I can view the opportunity here is like this: I was extremely lucky and without it, I wouldn't have been able to experience so many of the things that have taught me so much.

Before the Indiana game they were saying there was no way we'd stop Antwaan Randle El. Even if we did, they said, our offense would never get the job done without Zack. That motivated me more than anything ever has. But instead of getting angry and worked up about it, I stayed relaxed and laid-back. I was joking in the huddle. Joe and I would kid around between plays. I was having fun. I was forgetting about what everybody else had to say. So I finished the day 17-of-23 passing for 278 yards and one touchdown and we beat Indiana 28-14.

Finally, I had shown what I was capable of in my last game ever at Beaver Stadium. Why I couldn't do that every game I haven't figured out yet, and probably never will.

I did figure out -- after the 20th or 30th time somebody asked me -- why everyone wants to hear my rationale for not playing this year. They all think I'm bitter. They think I'm going to trash the program and say the game has passed Joe by or he didn't give me my chance. It's inconceivable that I would simply choose to walk away in favor of something that is better for Matt Senneca.

If my time at Penn State has taught me anything, it is that you can only care about the people who care about you. Those people will prove it to you time after time. They will never let you down.

I spent all last season proving to people that I was doing my best. I was doing what I had to do. I think, in the end, I came out as a good, honest, hard-working guy.

The people on the message boards or in the media might not portray it that way, but I couldn't care less what they think. There have been too many people who have helped me along the way for me to get bitter. Both inside and outside the program, my experience here couldn't have been better. The kindness of my professors and advisers and trainers is something I could never repay. They have made my time here better than I could have even imagined. I do not have a single regret.

Who could ask for more? All the nights with the great friends I've met. The guys who came in here with me -- I'll never forget them. I'll call and check up on them. I'll watch them next season. The nights we went out and just let loose will always live on inside me.

I'm leaving a week from today. First, I've got to handle three finals. A stop at the football building to see Jay and Fran is also on the agenda.

The part I haven't thought about because I simply can't yet is how I'm going to say goodbye to all of the guys. It will come when it comes and I'll deal with it then. I'm heading home for the first summer since the one after my junior year of high school. It's going to be a big change. It's going to give me time to relax and think about this whole experience a bit. Reflecting back will teach me something, I'm sure. There is time for that.

For now, I'm going to take everything in while I can and see all of the guys. We've made plans for them to visit me and I'll come up next season for some of the games. I really want to see them beat Nebraska.

When you go through what I've gone through, you never forget. But I suppose it's like that for everyone in college. I was just in the spotlight a bit more.

I look at it this way: you take the memories -- all of them, both good and bad -- and you never let them go. You move on with them in mind.

-- -- --

The Monday before the Blue-White game, Matt Senneca showed up at practice for a controlled scrimmage. On one goal-line play, he saw Jimi Mitchell fail to close a gap. Later that night, he asked his housemate: "Jimi, what happened on that play?"

"Something wrong with your eyes, man," Mitchell said, shrugging it off, but the message had been sent.

It was Senneca's first trip to spring practice this season. Over the weekend, he had finished his final web page product, which freed up a big chunk of time.

Saturday he showed up at Beaver Stadium in street clothes for the first time in four seasons. It was a time he never imagined. Not when he walked off the field after losing to Virginia. Not when he went to see Joe Paterno in December to tell him he was considering taking a job in Allentown over the summer. When he thought about it over Winter Break and talked it over with his parents, it still never dawned on him that he wouldn't strap on the pads ever again.

Putting out a press release like the one released on Jan. 16 could make it real.

Stepping on the field did.

As Matt Senneca walked out to receive the Player of the Game Award for his performance against Indiana two months before, you booed him one last time.

Then, he walked off the field and went home.

There was that pang -- the one he had expected -- when he saw Mills drop back to throw a little post pattern. Yet, it was gone in an instant, replaced by the computer screen where his new goals will play out.

Bolstered by a recommendation from Paterno, Senneca has landed an internship at Imirage, a rapidly expanding Internet company based in his hometown of Allentown. His work there will earn him his final credits at Penn State, and hopefully a shot at a full time position.

His goal is to leave his new employers no choice but to hire him.

Which is, ultimately, the thing you should know about Matt Senneca.

That web page he did for his final project was an actual presentation for a company based in King of Prussia called Mattera and Associates. From end to completion, the work took him four months. The end product is a clean page with a newly designed logo and separate buttons arching down the border of a picture of the Philadelphia skyline. His idea was to make the page sparse so it would load quickly. All the information is included in large links, so customers could navigate the page easily.

The man at Mattera that he presented the page to did not agree with his ideas. It was not a complete failure; the two merely had different visions for the page.

So Matt Senneca shrugged his shoulders, taking it in stride. He looked over the Mattera page once more before closing it.

Then he opened a fresh page and went on to his next project.