Word on the street (College Ave., that is) says that Thon will feature a special celebrity this year, presumably to speak on the virtue of good deeds and to offer up some extra motivation when the tireless dancers begin to sag.

Now, since all money raised by those faithful canners goes to Thon, there isn't a huge amount of expendable cash on hand to hire, say Michael Jordan. Okay, okay, so there isn't even enough money to get Scott Hamilton after he rides off into oblivion after the Olympics.

So, hoping to help the Thon cause, I've put together a quick list of pro athletes who would probably be willing to give some motivation to those venerable dancers for next to nothing. Most of these guys are a little down on their luck right now, but they're fighters and they'll get back up. Isn't that what Thon is all about?

First, we've got Mike Tyson. Still trying to find a state or country greedy enough to grant him a boxing license and let him fight Lennox Lewis, Iron Mike's got plenty of free time on his hands. When he isn't acting like a raving, crazy, psychotic, mentally challenged lunatic, that is.

Here's how I envision Mikey pumping up the Thon crowd when the going gets tough.

TYSON: (Upon arriving on the stage, notices a whole lot of white people standing on the gym floor. Rushes back to his manager.) Hey, I thought you said this was a dance party with thongs!

MANAGER: (Who had lied to get him to attend) No, no, Mike. It's the Dance Marathon. It's to raise money for kids with cancer. Go speak.

TYSON: Hello, everyone. I understand this event will raise money for kids with cancer. This is a good thing, I believe. I have much experience with children, having several of my own. However, I don't know where my children are at the moment. If one of them happens to have cancer, then I am one of the parents who will be very thankful for your efforts. As you may know, I once threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' children. While that offer still stands, I must say I would not eat any kids with cancer.

(The crowd gives a tremendous applause. Tyson's manager, thinking he has escaped another public relations nightmare, stands just off stage, beaming.)

TYSON: Now, who wants to fight me? Come on, I'll take all of you on.

(Tyson rips off his shirt, exposing his tremendous gut.)

RANDOM FRATERNITY MEMBER: Look at that! His beer belly is more impressive than any of our brothers'!

TYSON: Where's Lennox Lewis? I know he out there. He out on the floor right now. I'll fight him here, to the death.

(Tyson's manager finally manages to subdue him. The soriority girls in attendance are all crying.)

Okay, so that didn't go as well as planned. Here's another option. Nate Newton was busted a few months ago on two separate occasions with at least 388 pounds of marijuana in his van. The former All-Pro lineman with the Dallas Cowboys could use a little image boost.

NEWTON: Well, y'all know that people make mistakes. It gets tough, ya know what I mean? Ain't playing football no more so I ain't got nothing to do. Tell you what, I just got caught up in the wrong crowd is all, and that happens. Happens to the best of us. But this here dance you got going, it's a real good thing. Make you realize what you should be concentratin' on in life. Shows you that there is hope and that you'll always have support through the tough times.

Crowd applauds.

FRATERNITY MEMBER: (as Nate walks onto the floor and approaches him) He's really cleaned up his act. Good for him.

NEWTON: Hey, you know where a guy can get a dime around here? I heard some houses sold mad ecstasy back in the day. Any way I can get in on the local market?

FRATERNITY MEMBER: I don't know what you're talking about, sir. Our house is completely clean.

NEWTON: Man, that's whack. We need to be rolling some blunts up in here. All this dancing's got people all hyped up. We gots to chill.

So, yeah, I give up. None of this athlete business seems to be working.

Something tells me it's better off that way too, because the goal of Thon is so above all that mess we call popular culture that nobody stuck in it could even mean anything. They would only cheapen the spirit. There's no need for a celebrity to come grant their approval, to take their magic hype dust and trivialize it with their dramatized messages. Thon should stand on the merit of all the Greek community and other organizations that work so hard for it.

It's for the kids. What could be more motivational than that?