There were warning signs: the first Cadbury cream eggs of the season, Mardi Gras beads mysteriously appearing in my office, the coming of Dance Marathon. And yet somehow, as usual, I was taken by surprise. You would think that the excessive media coverage of the New Orleans celebration would have been a tip off, but honestly, Bourbon Street looks like that every day of the year. So thanks to my uncanny knack for being oblivious, it came as quite a surprise to me when Ash Wednesday rolled around last week, marking the beginning of the forty-day Christian guilt trip we know as Lent.

"Good heavens! Discussing religion in the newspaper? Who ever heard of such a thing?"

Well, according to one of my classmates, our wacky neighbor, The Centre Daily Times, is still entertaining opinions on the creationism-evolution debate. I, on the other hand, will assume that all of you have read (or at least heard of) Inherit the Wind, and will proceed with my discussion of Lent. Non-Christians: Stick around. You might find this entertaining.

Some people say that Christianity is an easy religion. Protestantism even more so.

It's easy to see almost any of the Protestant denominations as something of a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. We don't have any ritual animal sacrifice, we don't have to go on vision quests, we don't even have to obey what rules there are, because (in theory) we can repent and be forgiven. Sweet deal, right? Who wouldn't convert?

Well, then there's this Lent thing. Forty days (and nights) of voluntary sacrifice and fish on Fridays. It's not exactly a recipe to jumpstart your social life. Most people choose to ignore Lent altogether, or feign ignorance as an excuse -- "Oh, no. I'm not Catholic." Fortunately, someone with a talent for passive-aggression had the bright idea to have believers go in for ashes on their foreheads. Now that's an advertising campaign.

Of those who acknowledge Lent, I think that most see it as a ball and chain; observances performed by default rather than desire. These people can be seen, year after year, to grudgingly decide to give up ice cream for Lent, using the following syllogism as rationale: "I like ice cream. I'm supposed to give up something I like for Lent. I'll give up ice cream for Lent." (Resolutions are always phrased this way. As though it is not enough to give up eating ice cream, but you also have to give up all ice-cream related activities, feelings, and thoughts.)

The syllogism demonstrates the same logic used by the preadolescent set to justify giving up vegetables for Lent-as long as you give something up. . .. honestly, how hard is it to give up ice cream in February?

There are, however, those who approach the Lenten season with a sense of purpose, with a mission. I like to think of Lent as a time of extreme Christianity. The normal rules just won't cut it this month, so you have to crank it up a notch. This is why if you never eat cake, you can't give up cake for Lent. Two years ago, I gave up red meat for Lent. Today, I am firmly ensconced in my vegetarianism.

Last year I gave up chocolate and cola. . .but come Easter morning, I was downing the Mini-Eggs by the bagful.

At any rate, if you take the Lenten plunge wholeheartedly, it can really be an excellent chance to learn more about yourself and to push your personal limits.

We are creatures of habit, and sometimes we need to go without some luxuries in order to remind ourselves that we are can still do without them, that these nonessentials don't control our lives. Didn't make a resolution for Lent? It's not too late to start. Not Christian? Well, you can wait for your faith's duly appointed time of fasting to come around, or you can play along with us.

Already broke your resolution? Yeah, well, the timing of Valentine's was lousy this year. . .who the heck stuck St. Valentine's Day in Lent this year anyway? Don't these "lunar cycle" people know that St. Valentine is the patron saint of unbridled promiscuity? Honestly, I wish the church would get their calendar straight. Well, if you broke your resolution, make a new one (but it better be good!). Just remember -- no excuses this time. Did I mention that St. Patrick's Day is in Lent too? Has someone told the Pope about this? It's all rather inconvenient, really.

With that said, I've also prepared a short list of what I think some people should give up for Lent:

Governor Mark Schweiker obviously loves budget cuts, so he should stop making them until after Easter.

THON dancers may give up giving up, or they may be excused for giving up sleep for two days.

John Lawless should just plain give up.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences should give up the Oscar awards ceremony-give all the awards to Moulin Rouge, Lord of the Rings, and Ghost World and donate the money saved to charity.

USG Senate should give up pretending that they represent the students. Well, I guess they already gave that up, so why not just disband?

On the other hand, Billy Corgan, James Iha, Jimmy Chamberlain and Melissa Auf Der Maur should give up pretending not to be a band anymore, and should announce that the disbanding of the Smashing Pumpkins was just a hoax.