I never understood the purpose of the Collegian reporter whose sole responsibility was to cover the Penn State student government. Furthermore, I never understood why this position was often reserved for the most elite among the Collegian reporters. Is this not a waste of talent? After all, who on this campus would care to read an entire 500-word article on their fellow students masquerading themselves as representatives of the student body? The self-declared student leaders remind me of a Leonardo DiCaprio movie: a lot of hullaboo, but no quality.

But I suppose the Undergraduate Student Government and company has its own place among the multitude that I like to alliteratively call the politics of Penn State. Still, when was the last time the USG had a direct impact on my life as a Penn State student? USG is a lot like the Model United Nations at my high school -- a bunch of politically minded hotshots with big mouths, bigger promises and the biggest egos. These people have the misguided belief that their internal bickering will actually make an impact on other people's lives, and that their participation in student government will provide them with a nice resume booster showing their inexorable leadership skills.

But the politics of Penn State aren't limited to students. Thanks to the excellent work of our administration reporter, I am all too familiar with the rather unflattering mug of Penn State President Graham Spanier that finds its place in the Collegian oh-so-often.

Now, I'm sure Spanier is a perfectly fine person, but I always find myself somewhat disoriented by the man with the smile of Bill Clinton, the charisma of Gerald Ford, and the ever-so-influential policies of Franklin Pierce.

What does Spanier do exactly? Give campus tours to important politicians? Deal with disgruntled students who march to his office? Play a GameCube in his office? I really have no idea -- but I know he gives the State of the University Address every year. It's in that speech that I discovered what Mr. Spanier is: a politician.

Spanier likes to talk about the many accomplishments of his beloved Nittany Lions. There is always some professor or some student to applaud and laud. But I must query selfishly into these wonderful accomplishments of the university. What exactly has Penn State done for me? Has it given me a quality of education worth its expense? Has it provided me with cutting edge technology to perform above and beyond the call of duty in my future career?

No. Compare Penn State to other state universities and really, we're just average. We don't have 20GB laptops to dispense to incoming freshman like Chapel Hill. We don't have a low tuition compared to Berkeley. We don't even have the benefit of a bowl-bound football team like Oregon.

I've concluded that Spanier fits his job title perfectly: he is the president of a large university, but more importantly, he is a politician. Despite the mediocrity of his institution, he uplifts it higher than King Triton's three-pronged pitchfork in The Little Mermaid. He's another player in this sea of Penn State politics. Of course, the administration is not limited to one person. The professors at Penn State have their own counterpart to USG: the Faculty Senate.

Quite frankly, I have a bit of trouble of seeing the difference between Faculty Senate and USG Senate, except that the people in Faculty Senate actually understand the concept of parliamentary procedure and they usually shave more than once a week.

But when you boil it down, you have the same thing: a bunch of people whose first job is not to be a member of a large legislature. Yet somehow some of these folks believe their conglomerate actions will make me drool like when I see a Natalie Portman movie. Good heavens! A sea urchin can cross the Atlantic faster than Faculty Senate can vote on an issue -- and by then, I'll be long gone from here.

Faculty Senate, like Spanier and USG, has failed to make a direct impact on my life at Penn State. I don't really hold it against any of them -- in a university this big, it's hard to get any type of personality from the campus politicians. But one must remember that that is what they really are: political pawns in the chess board of Penn State's political world. And before any one of these politicians goes complaining about the disorganized, racist, homophobic, sexist state of affairs at Penn State -- take a step back and remember: We the students of Penn State look up to you, our leaders, to fix our problems. Make us proud.