Welcome back to another wonderful "IQ Numbing, Stupid Article by a Neurotic Entity (INSANE)" time. Today I would like to discuss some random things about State College that don't really go together, which I will tie together with some amazing transitions.

First, we must discuss the ever-present cell phone use around this town. I know all of you have either run into one of these cell phone people or might have been one yourself.

Just in case you haven't had the pleasure, a typical cell phone conversation always has four basic parts.

First, the phone usually rings with what someone thought was cute at the time. "Dixie," "The Mexican Hat Dance," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," all are very annoying. You know what they should have for their rings? It should be a stirring rendition of other annoying things, such as fingernails on the blackboard and grinding teeth. If you are trying to piss people off, at least take it all the way.

Next, the introduction goes something like this, "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?" This involves loud screaming and possibly flailing arms. This is my favorite part. I like to sneak up behind these people, cover my mouth and say, "Huh? I can't hear you, you're breaking up, talk louder." Sometimes you can get the person to scream extremely loudly until the police come and take them away in a nice white jacket.

Then, in case you can't get the person arrested, they finally start talking. This part usually involves either a reference to something someone was wearing the other night, or who hooked up with whom.

I am not a fan of these conversations. Especially when someone says, "I can't believe he wore that dirty '80s T-shirt and smelly jeans to the party."

Right about this time I clutch my jacket really tight to not show off the coffee stain on my Vaurnet shirt.

The last part of the conversation always involves numerous references to where the talker is at that time. "Hey, I'm just passing the old walnut tree . . . No not that one, the one by the elm . . . No the other elm, near the brick building, you know? Never mind." Why does anyone care where you are? If you forget your phone, do you write down where you were all day long?

"Dear Diary, I just walked past the HUB and had to tell someone. Thanks for being there for me."

One of the things I find extremely creepy is the hands-free phone that some people use. This is a true story. On a rainy day, I was walking down the path between Old Main and Willard Building. I see a guy in a jacket coming up the path at me shouting, "No, no, no. I can't. It won't happen."

At this point, I got extremely scared. I was wondering if maybe the voices in this guy's head were telling him to kill a pasty white kid with bad hair. To this day, I hope he was talking on a hands-free cell phone.

So, how about we leave all of our cell phones at home and save some money?

Speaking of money (notice the graceful transition) did everyone see how much Graham Spanier makes a year? Just in case you missed it, it is $312,504. Wow, that must be nice. I'm an out-of-state student, which means I pay almost $16,000 a year for the privilege to do Penn State homework. It would take almost 20 of me to pay Spanier, and trust me, you don't want 20 of me running around.

Having 20 of me around would be bad, but not as bad as these adopt a highway/byway/tree organization things. Penn State is getting into this now, just check out the Tuesday article in this here paper.

Has anyone ever really thought about these? You pay the government or the school to keep things clean and safe. However, now they figured out how to get you to do their job, keep your money and put it into their own hands. I can just hear the original conversation now.

"We're about $2 billion in debt. What can we do?"

"I know, let's allow the peons to adopt things we don't like taking care of, like roads and trees."

"But how can we convince them to pick up garbage and water trees for free?"

"We'll put up sign with their names on them. They'll love it. Do I have to think of everything?"

"Then we can spend all that money on better things, like the paving of America."

"Exactly, now you get it."

So you know what I do? I scoop up the litter from the roads that are adopted and deposit it on the roads that aren't adopted. It's my own personal mission. I figure it's not me littering, it is just a litter relocation program. The government does it too, but it refers to litter relocation as trash collection.

So there you have it. I have now touched on three completely different subjects and you still made it to the end without e-mailing me about how dumb I really am. Thank you all for your time, please return to the crossword.