I am probably one of many of you out there in Penn State land who really has no idea what the Undergraduate Student Government is, what it does, or even if it's real. Seeing as how more than 10 percent of you wanted these people to speak for you, I thought it would be good if we learned a little about their organization.

However, I realize that most of you are busy at the bar, err library, and can't do this research for yourselves. So, to spare you the time and effort to actually look things up, I've done all the researching you'll need.

To accomplish my goal of learning about USG, I checked its Web site. The first thing I realized is that the acronym USG has got to go.

Numerous studies have shown (not really, but if you say that, people don't check your facts), that nine out of 10 students mistake USG for the stuff that Chinese restaurants no longer have in their food. This cannot be allowed to continue.

So, we need to change the acronym, USG. I'm full of ideas for this. The first one came in a dream. It is GRABASS (Government Reacting with Argumentative Bias to Actual Student Situations).

Think about it, we could have elections to have the President of GRABASS. I believe many, many students would run for this wondrous position.

I did think that maybe GRABASS is not socially acceptable, and this is fine, I have more ideas. DRINKAKEG (Developing Respectable and Increasingly New Kinds of Arguments to Keep Everyone's Government Grateful) is a great acronym.

How many of your friends would love to be the president or vice president of DRINKAKEG?

I believe I know a few.

OK, back to the actual researching. The next thing I noticed is that the USG doesn't have it's own constitution, it instead has a "consitution." I'm sorry, I'm not going to spend this article pointing out typing mistakes on the USG web page.

So now I tried to find out who my senator is. Well, I found the list of senators, but can't seem to figure out which one votes in my best interest. Most are listed as Town Senators. However, I don't live in town, I live out near Wal-Mart (cheap plug). Who is the Out-Near-Wal-Mart Senator? I need more information.

So, I tried to look at the constitution and the general overview with no luck. Seems either the links don't work, or my computer is stupid. I then stumbled upon the message board. This was a very interesting discovery, however, I don't believe any students know it's there.

I found this is a place to ask a question with the anonymity of cyberspace. This means you can ask anything, and they just might answer it. I tried to think of a logical and well thought out question; but come on, did you really expect me to think of one? So I delegated myself to only reading the posts already on the board.

They would have been very interesting, if I could have understood any of it. Alas, I couldn't, so I shipped myself back off to the main page.

Back at the main page, I decided to hit the button which just wanted me to click on it. This button was named, "Student Resources."

Under this tab I found links to other Big Ten school's governments. I decided to look at what the University of Michigan has to offer in this area. Right after opening the page, I found what looked to be a picture of a squirrel on fire.

Well, this does not stand right with me. I am not for lighting squirrels on fire. I immediately left that site. (Editor: Please print a lame excuse about how my computer didn't have the right colors and the picture is actually of a building with a tree with yellow leaves in the foreground.)

So, I retreated back to the safety of the USG Web page. At this point, I realized that I had seen everything.

There was not one section that I hadn't at least given a glance. I was almost sad.

Therefore, as a dually recognized expert on the USG, I will now give you some of the insights I have had. First, if you rearrange the letters of USG, you get GUS — who was my favorite uncle. He always had a good joke for me, but I digress.

Next, I am 90 percent sure that the USG probably is real.

I looked up some of the members on the Penn State search site and found that they are real and most even have majors.

Finally, even with all my research, I still have no idea when or where they meet.

I'm thinking that this is the secret part of the organization. I will go out and try to learn the secret handshake, and then the secrets will be ours.