One more week till summer. For many of us, this means no tests, no homework, and no group projects for three months. A brief hiatus from college. With the dawn of summer comes the anticipation of what is to come, which begs the question: What is to come?

Well, folks, I have seen the future. My crystal ball has provided me with the insight of the soon-to-be happenings in the world. Seeing that I don't want any of you to be blindsided by these monumental events that are about to occur, I have decided to share my wisdom with you. So. . .what is to come in the summer of 2001?

First, I'll tell you what won't happen. For the next two minutes or so, you will not be subjected to a sappy "goodbye to my friends, oh the things I've learned at Penn State" column. I'm only a junior — no need for goodbyes just yet. I'm sure this delights a good many of you.

Sometime during the summer, Penn State will host yet another fest or fair that about eight people give a damn about, but will nevertheless create quite a stir.

A new reality show will dominate the television: $1 million is the reward to whomever gets the Long Island native to shut up. While ratings soar during the first two weeks, the program eventually flops after no one is able to win.

Star Wars introduces its next installment. Or is it the previous installment? Well, whatever it is hits the box office, with Jar Jar Binks playing the lead role. This so infuriates Star Wars fanatics that they hold a worldwide protest of the film.

People still won't know how to say "excuse me" in a packed bar.

The U.S.-China relations worsen considerably. President Bush orders Chinese restaurants in the United States to discontinue use of chopsticks, calling any usage of them "a moral sin." China, meanwhile, blames the United States for a wad of gum that is found stuck on the Great Wall.

Penn State students of every color, race, and ethnicity will begin to wise up before a race war engulfs the campus.

The summer provides a lot of excitement for the sports world as well. Baseball ventures into the dog days. Hockey and basketball playoffs heat up. And it's never too early to prepare for the football season. And there's no XFL, which becomes extinct, but only after it is revealed that He Hate Me has actually been much-maligned quarterback Ryan Leaf.

Jon Crispin, after transferring to another school that "better fits his needs," becomes enraged one day while shooting hoops. As is the trend, Crispin misses shot after shot after shot and begins to pout. Although he's only shooting by himself, he blames his inaccuracy "on the system." Crispin then takes it out on the height of the basket and announces that he will transfer to a school where the hoop isn't 10 feet high.

Michael Jordan returns! But to play baseball again. However, after hitting only .124 at Single A Winston-Salem, he decides he needs to redeem himself and joins the Washington Wizards.

He wins league MVP as the Wizards go 78-4, the only losses coming to the Bulls, against whom he refuses to play, and the Lakers, when coach Phil Jackson's Zen causes M.J. to go scoreless.

In mid-July, the Yankees find themselves hovering around the .500 mark and 10 games out of first place. George Steinbrenner once again turns to the mighty dollar and buys the entire American League, thereby assuring the Yankees of a fourth straight World Series appearance.

Back to the non sports-related world (as if there is such a thing). On Aug. 4, the temperature in State College gets up to a record 137 degrees. On Aug. 6, State College is blanketed with three feet of snow.

On Aug. 4, the hottest day of the summer, the air conditioner in my car will break.

On Aug. 6, the coldest day of the summer, the heater in my car will break.

The Willard Preacher will succeed in offending the trees outside of the Willard Building. To enact revenge, the trees' limbs break, and the Willard Preacher becomes entrapped in twigs.

As he cries for help, everyone walks on by, continuing to block out his voice and ignore him completely.

In an effort to curb violence and prevent rioting here, the State College police decide to reverse the way traffic is to travel on both Beaver and College avenues.

Their slogan is "Reverse the Traffic — Reverse the Trend." Students who are up for Arts Fest don't take too kindly to it, and a riot breaks out on College Avenue over the reversal of traffic. From that point on, College Avenue will be referred to as College Cave.

Two weeks from now, we will all completely forget everything that we are currently trying to cram into our brains.

Two and a half weeks from now, we will all start counting down the days until Fall Semester begins.

In the next minute or so, you will crumple up this newspaper, toss it in the garbage, and be delighted that summer is almost here and that you won't have to see my mug shot in the paper for a good long while.