All right, Nittany Lions, time for me to swing a little knowledge to y'all like a slow pendulum.

Simply put, I've noticed some problems with Penn State. So the following are my two ideas for a senior class gift, maybe something that next year's class could use. The first is a salad bar in the library and the second, as homage to my friend DJ at NC State, would be a Big Eaters Club.

Bear with me here. The merits of a salad bar in the library would be many.

First, if you're anything like me, you've been sitting in Pattee Library for hours at a time with no real purpose (assuming you know where Pattee is). Well, you're probably supposed to be studying but isn't there something missing? Yes. You are freakin' hungry. What to do? Well, the Iron Meatball (that's me) has solved your problem. You realize that you could use a cup of bacon bits or a plateful of cottage cheese to aid in your studies.

Studying is always a lot easier if you have power food right at your disposal. Now when I talk of a salad bar, I'm thinking of the ones that they used to have at Wendy's. I'm thinking of one that wouldn't require a lot of maintenance; rather, one that had the essentials for any marathon study session easily at hand.

Of course, there will be salad. Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and croutons would all be there. And take heart, there would be an ample supply of bacon bits, both real and. . .uh. . .non-real. Anyway, we'd also install receptacles for all the dressing that you desire. But we won't include French dressing, because we all know that Italian is much, much zestier. Full-fat, low-fat, non-fat, it'll all be there. And there would also be the little side dishes like cottage cheese, egg salad and all the free cheese you want.

Now, I'm with y'all when you say, "But Meatball, what about a frozen yogurt machine?" I think in this situation we need to exercise some restraint. Enough is enough. While I love frozen yogurt, especially that choco/vanilla blend, it's not necessary when I'm up for an all-night academic binge. And similarly with meat, I just don't feel that it's prudent.

Well, now that we have got a fabulous solution to our studying woes, let's move on to my big project: The Big Eaters Club. Right off the bat, I'd like clear up some confusion from all the fan mail that I've been receiving. This club is not meant in any way to be a ripoff of the Hasty Pudding Award at Harvard or the eating clubs at Princeton. To the best of my knowledge, no actual pudding is given as a reward and the eating clubs at Princeton involve no gluttony, but rather a venue to practice secret handshakes. This is false advertising and the Iron Meatball does not seek to engage in any sort of deception.

It's also important to note that this club will be open to all Penn Staters. As per this great university's affirmative action policy, we do not discriminate on the basis of race, creed or gender. And this club will require heavy funding from the boys and girls down in Harrisburg, because a Big Eater's cardinal rule is that if one can bum their money off of someone else, one does so.

With that out of the way, it is important just to outline the kind of person I'm looking for. After all, big eating has long been a social taboo and the big eater has been an oppressed figure in our society. The kind of person for this club is a person that says, "Ya know, I'm at Sheetz, I've got $10, so I think I'll spend it all on Shmuffins, preferably the steak ones" (For those who aren't familiar with shmuffins, I highly recommend them). These epicureans must be able to discern between quality and quantity. For instance, a dilemma arises when one is forced to choose between eight McDonald's cheeseburgers and four Big Macs. If you don't know the right choice here, I can't help you, and you're not a real Big Eater.

And when one thinks about it, State College is really a prime location for a Big Eaters Club. First, we have the Ye Old College Diner and their fabulous "grilled stickies." After three or four of these beauties, I found religion. Second, State College has a number of outstanding buffalo wing joints, with types ranging from super-hot nuclear to mild honey BBQ. We also have many pizza places that offer outstanding breadsticks, cheesesticks and pepperoni rolls. What about breakfast bagels, you ask? Or breath-taking meatball subs? So glad you ask — we've got all that for you and more if you take a trip over to McLanahan's student store on the corner of Garner and College. Outstanding sandwich wraps, sausage, ham, or bacon breakfast bagels, and meatball subs await the Big Eater on a budget.

Meetings would typically be twice a week, Monday and Thursday, just so we all have ample recovery time. There wouldn't be officers per se, but there would be one guy who can only wear Hawaiian shirts who everyone calls "Cap'n." And contingent upon funding from the state legislature, I'm hoping that membership fees won't be necessary.

So there you have it. The job of any good university is to find something that can put it on the map. MIT has math and science locked down, Swarthmore and Amherst have the liberal arts and Penn State will have big eating. Football, engineering and meteorology are all noble endeavors and are part of what makes Penn State, but I think we really need something new, something innovative. I have seen politicians flounder and I have seen the Big Eater oppressed time and time again. As the famous big eater Carl F. Marks said, "All we have to lose is our dignity! BIG EATERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!"