SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Reading This Column With A Sense of Humor Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.

After watching media coverage of all the layoffs this past week, I'm pretty sure that in a few years at least half of us will be living in an abandoned train yard huddled around a fire in a rusted-out 50-gallon drum, eating cold beans out of a can opened with the Swiss Army knife that we looted from the local Wal-Mart.

Or at least that's the impression I got.

The media have entered its recession phase. For the past few years all we've heard about is the booming economy and the widespread prosperity. After a slow quarter or two, CNN has officially declared that the unprecedented period of economic growth has ended. Instead of hearing about innovative entrepreneurs creating wealth and new technology fueling the economic boom, we're going to see pictures of unemployment lines and deserted factories with lots of broken windows. I know this is scary, but people might actually start listening to Michael Moore again.

As soon as some of the leading economic indicators started showing a sign of slowdown late last year, the media were buzzing with the news of possible economic problems "on the road ahead." Everyone was talking about it. At this point there wasn't much to report on besides the warning signs of a possible slowdown. People in the Fed seemed to be worried about it and all the talking heads were flapping as usual. Even the then President-elect got involved. He used it as an opportunity to push his tax cut plan before he even got into office.

Then came the layoffs. Amazon, Daimler Chrysler, WorldCom, Lucent, Sara Lee, J.C. Penny, even CNN (along with many more) announced that they would be giving a number of pink slips to workers.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy for journalists. They focus on a possible economic slowdown, and then when the first signs of it come, they're all over the story like the vultures that they are.

Because of the din of media doom and gloom, people everywhere are talking about a recession with an air of inevitability. Either loads of people are studying economic statistics to independently determine the future of the business cycle or they've been watching CNNfn. The latter is much more likely considering that more people in this country know what WWF stands for than GDP.

Thanks to the media and their recession scuttlebutt, consumer confidence is now in the toilet. Your grandmother is probably burying her Social Security money in a Folgers can in the backyard.

CNN went and got Grandma panicked for ratings. There's really not good reason for lots of worry. While layoffs are never pleasant, with an unemployment rate at around 4 percent, it should be fairly easy for most people to find another job. Not to say that there are no economic problems, just that a recession isn't unavoidable.

The media hate prosperity. Not because journalists are socialists, but because prosperity is boring. It makes for bad copy. People are working instead of smoking crack. People are taking their families to the park instead robbing the local liquor store. You can't bring people exclusive coverage of the Jones' family picnic, but you can report on a drive-by shooting that tore a neighborhood apart. This is precisely why the opening of factories gets little to no national press, but the closing of a few factories sends Dan Rather running.

As I see it the main problem with the media isn't its overarching liberalism, but rather the constant need to report on something. Journalists are always looking for their next story. They have deadlines. Their need to keep their jobs causes an insatiable desire to get (read: create) more and more stories. Unfortunately, objective reporting isn't always their main concern. And since happy stories just don't sell, journalists have to "uncover" all the problems in society.

I have a modest proposal that would fix many of our current media driven economic problems: Ban the freedom of the press. Now, I know that Americans, especially whiny college students, cherish their freedom of speech as their most precious right.

Before you send me an expletive-laden e-mail, consider the benefits of my sensible proposition. First, you would never have the misfortune of reading one of my crappy columns (or the Collegian) again. Second, The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, undoubtedly the most boring 60 minutes of television in history, would be forever banned. Third, jack-booted thugs would promptly end Andy Rooney's senile rants on the mundane and unimportant. Fourth, the eternal mystery of Sam Donaldson's greased toupee would never trouble us again.

Fifth, and most importantly, abolishing freedom of the press would help the economy. CNN would never again be able to create its next big story by ruining consumer confidence with whispers of a recession.

Without the bothersome press always agitating to find the truth, consumers would be left in a constant state of blissful ignorance. They would spend with reckless abandon. They would pile up massive amounts of credit card debt. The economy would be sent on an upward spiral the likes of which have never been seen. It would be glorious.

Besides the obvious economic benefits, getting rid of that pesky First Amendment would have other advantages. No more "Free Mumia" marches on campus. No more Cuntfests. No more leftist camp outs in the name of a worldwide labor struggle. No more ACLU.

So if you want continued economic prosperity, I urge you to do the patriotic thing and demand of your elected representatives the immediate abrogation of the First Amendment.