I want my MTV back! Hell, I want my music television back.

I've come to the realization that I can't watch ESPN all day. Fly fishing just ain't my thing.

So I'll channel surf. Infomercial. Click. Fashion show. Click. The View. Click. Inevitably, I'll land on one of the music stations. Say a quick hi to Carson, chill for a few minutes with my girl Cita on BET, then learn all about Melissa Etheridge's childhood on VH1. All the while, I notice something missing from these music stations — music!

Gone are the days when I could spend an hour watching Yo! MTV Raps. No more listening to my mom's music on VH1. And yeah, I know BET stands for Black Entertainment (not Music) Television, but it was still the place to go when looking for rap and R&B. And it's not like these stations are showing quality programs in lieu of music videos.

Let's look at MTV, by far the worst. They throw me into the middle of Times Square with a hundred teenie boppers. Sometimes, I think MTV is deliberately trying to ruin my TV-watching experience. Really, they're out to get me. Just when they start showing an actual video, Tiffany from Manhattan comes on the air along with 12 of her friends, and they scream. I don't know what they say, something about So-And-So being hot. Yeah, yeah; he's a stud. Then Carson talks. And smiles. And winks. And smiles. And tries to be funny. Then we see our friend Tiffany again. But still no video.

So they can't show TRL all day. Oh wait, yes they can. And they do. Over and over and over again. Thanks to MTV, I also got to relive Spring Break 2000 all the way to Christmas. Woohoo!

Let's see, how else can they torture me? Ahh, The Real World. There is absolutely nothing real about this show. It ought to be called The Stereotypical World. They grab the guys and girls with the most messed-up lives they can find. There's Zack, who has three fathers and two mothers. There's Nicole, who has a boyfriend in New York, a girlfriend in Florida and has the hots for Evan, the kid on the show who is "just trying to find himself." What's so real about that? And then there's the blonde. Poor girl. Everyone hates her. "Why don't they like me?" she sobs to me. Cuz you're a bitch. Click.

To BET I go. Cita! My girl. You know, she's the computer girl who shakes her thang and talks her twang with the ghetto slang. "Ja know, we gotsta keep it real up in this piece." Uhh, right on, Cita. Show me a video! So Cita's still doin' her thing, whatever her thing may be. I think they show me one video, followed by Cita's professional analysis of the video. But I can't understand what the hell she's saying. She's telling me to keep it real or something.

So Cita says lata. I'll miss her. On to some other show. Now BET has me in downtown L.A. with some dude. I guess he's BET's version of Tom Green. The only difference is that I occasionally chuckle at Tom Green. This BET guy's stupid. How did he get his job? What is his job? He goes around asking random people random questions. Everyone ignores him. It's boring. He's boring. Show me a video, please! Get this guy off my TV. Click.

Time to relax a bit. Let's check out VH1. They're good for some music, even if annoying bubbles pop up on my screen every three seconds. Wait, what's this? Stevie Wonder! Alright, some good tunes. Once. . .twice. . .three times a lady. . . "More on Stevie's demise, after the break," I'm told. Wait, what? Stevie's demise? No, no, no, I want a video. No demise, just a simple video. So, anyway, I learn about Stevie. Don't listen to him, because God forbid they show a regular old boring video.

I hold out hope, though. I'll even settle for a Meatloaf video at this point. But no. We continue to go behind the music. Why can't we just go to the music?

Now what do I do? No, I will not resort to Country Music Television or TNN. Too sad for me. Every country singer seems to fall out of love. Never in love, just out of it. It's a real shame.

So I go back to where I started, without watching one stinkin' music video. Time to turn to the only station I can depend on. Man's best friend — ESPN.

I guess fly fishing isn't that bad after all.