Panthers retain 'Arm-Pitt of college football' title

Editor's note:The following story was written by Collegian football writers as part of a column exchange with The Pitt News.

By RYAN HOCKENSMITH,
WILLIAM KALEC and JOHN GIBLIN
Collegian Staff Writers

The cover for the Arm-Pitt football team's media guide perfectly states the pathetic state of Panthers athletics.

"Celebrating our past," it reads.

Well, keep celebrating your past, because you cannot possibly be looking forward to the present or future.

Last year, Arm-Pitt pulled off the biggest coup in the history of Panthers football - they actually came within a touchdown of beating Penn State, a miraculous feat for Arm-Pitt.

Keep making bad steel and forget about football.

Two of the biggest Panthers stars of all time, Dan "I Think I Can't" Marino and Craig "Bad Steelhead" Heyward, haven't won anything but awful commercial contracts.

Get real - how many Nittany Lions would possibly consider doing woeful advertisements for Isotoner gloves and Zest soap?

By the way, where have Marino's hands been with those gloves on? Probably fondling Steelhead's poofy shower rubbing device.

As for this year's version of the Panthers, good luck.

The punting looks solid, as do the long-snappers. But the rest of the team couldn't walk on as cord boys on the Penn State sideline.

Arm-Pitt actually utilized a two-quarterback system to perfection in last week's improbable victory against Bowling Green. Hopefully, Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be able to take the field without dying of laughter.

Speaking of Paterno and death, last season's preposterous news story by The Arm-Pitt News on Paterno's supposed death was beyond classless. We assume since Paterno has killed Arm-Pitt so many times over the years, the bush-league story was justified at pathetic Arm-Pitt.

How is recruiting going out west? Not too good, it appears.

Every decent high school player near that white-trash wonderland known sickeningly as Arm-Blitzsburgh bolts to Happy Valley faster than you can say "Wow, I have to get out of this dump."

It's doubtful Walt Harris could convince his own son to play at Arm-Pitt. His daughter probably wouldn't sign to play there, either, although she could probably step right in and start at quarterback.

Face the facts - Paterno cruises his recruiting dump truck through Arm-Pittsburgh every year and picks out the cream of the crap. The rest of that manure is left for Harris to sort through at the curb.

Last season, in wonderful Arm-Pitt Stadium, Penn State players were spit on and verbally assaulted before taking the field in a daze. Like usual, the Lions still throttled the Punt-thers.

W.D. Asbaugh, a member of Arm-Pitt's phenomenal 1924 squad, summed up the "rivalry" (Arm-Pitt last defeated Penn State in 1988).

"We were bad when I played for the team," Asbaugh said. "Then it got worse in the '30s, '40s, '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s. I won't even comment on that horrific group of Arm-Pitt non-athletes they send out there these days."

• Penn State can't touch caliber of Pitt athletes