But I've got to contribute to this section in some way. What to do, what to do?

Then came the phone call I will remember for the rest of my life. Sitting at home, pondering what part of my body had anything to do with "Star Wars," I received a call from my editor.

"We all discussed next week's 'Star Wars' issue," the caffeine-frenzied Jason Fagone sputtered, "and we'd like you to pierce your 'lightsaber.' "

I need to get Caller ID.

You thought Darth Vader was scary? Welcome to week 11 of James' Adventures in Piercing.

As the saying goes, "never say never."

All semester I have said this piercing column wouldn't go "down south." But after countless e-mails requesting some kind of penis piercing, I finally broke down when my editor said he was counting on me. What can I say? I'm a slave to journalism.

The decision wasn't easy. Come on, it's my penis. The guys out there know what I'm talking about; it's like your best friend -- more so to some of you than to others.

But we all knew it was going to happen. If I didn't do it, I would have gotten flack from every single one of you. So, I strutted down to the piercing parlor, hoping I'd be able to tiptoe home afterwards.

Let's face it, talking about your genitals isn't easy. It's not really something that comes up (no pun intended) on a regular basis. So, going into an establishment and asking to get your penis pierced is a little strange.

"Yeah, so anyway, I was in the neighborhood, and, ummmm . . . canIgetmypenispierced?"

For those of you who are thinking about getting a genital piercing, I have a few tips.

First, do your research. There are numerous types of piercings you can get down there -- you can probably even make up your own. Call or go to the one of the places and find out what you'd like to get.

Secondly, a lot of you need to get over your homophobia. You're going to have to look at pictures of penises to see what you want. Stop being so macho -- everyone's got one -- so just look. Plus, you're probably going to have a guy touching your penis.

If it makes you feel better, turn your head and cough.

Like with the nipple, you're going to have some stranger looking at something that, for the most part, you like to keep covered up. If you can't handle that, then this piercing isn't for you.

I chose to go with the frenum piercing, which is at the bottom of the penis. It's the flap of skin, between the head and the shaft, left over after circumcision.

Then it was time for step one in the process: Drop 'dem pants. There's no getting around it; the pants have to come off. You've been bragging all these years about your manhood, and now's the time to put it on the table . . . literally.

Like always, the piercing area has to be cleaned. This doesn't happen by itself -- someone's going to have to handle your penis. Just follow the rules of the hernia exam: Think about things like cold water, baseball or Janet Reno in a bikini.

Then came the clamp. When I saw the clamp come out, I saw my life flash before my eyes -- well, the life of my penis at least. But it wasn't that bad; once it was in place it really didn't hurt at all.

Finally it was time for the moment of truth. I really had to rethink this. It's not like I'm putting a bar through my nose, or even just my cranium; this is my penis. Would 40,000 Penn State students really be disappointed if I wimped out?

I decided to save the university from another riot, keep the earth in orbit and go through with the piercing. I clenched my teeth, grabbed hold of the chair and prayed my penis would make it through.

The pain was pretty bad, but it was over quickly. To be honest, I don't think it was as bad as the nipple. But the sight of my penis with a big needle through the bottom of it was burned into my memory forever.

I had a ½-inch, 14-gauge barbell put in, and after cleaning off a little blood I was raring to go. But to be on the safe side, I walked home very carefully -- the pierced area was a little tender, after all.

The real pain might come when you open your wallet, because the frenum is a pretty expensive piercing. At Green Top, 318 E. College Ave., you'll have to pay $90 for the pleasure of having metal put in your schlong. Art of the Ages Inc., 103 S. Pugh St., charges $80, while at Forbidden Fruit, 110 Hetzel St., the frenum costs $50.

Aftercare for the piercing is the same as most other piercings. Use a triple-antibiotic twice a day and make sure you clean off all the excess. Unlike other piercings, this cleaning definitely hurts.

If there's a piercing you want to keep from getting infected, though, it's this one. Think about it. If your ear gets infected you can always cut it off, but this is your penis.

Because you have an open wound on your penis, you'll have to avoid sex for a little while. You'll also want to avoid doing anything that will irritate the piercing for a while -- sorry guys, but that includes sex . . . any kind of sex.

When word of your new piercing gets out, you're going to get the inevitable let-me-see's. If you're an exhibitionist (as I'm told I am) or your name's John Holmes (as I've been mistaken for occasionally), you won't have a problem. But if you're shy, or resemble George Costanza after getting out of a pool, you'll just have to decline.

Obviously this piercing has an effect in the bedroom. It could be good or bad, I guess, depending on your partner. Many people have the false impression this piercing leads to condom breakage, but as long as you're careful to give the condom a little more room around the pierced area, it shouldn't be a problem.

This was an adventure. I didn't think I would ever get my penis pierced, but I guess deep down I knew it had to be done -- and it's not like I was using it anyway.

However, I'd like to apologize to the women. This is the first piercing I've had that's male only. But since I don't have female genitalia (insert humorous comment here), I can't give you a detailed description of that type of piercing. But if you'd like a portion of the limelight, you know where to reach me.

Can I really outdo myself after this one? What's the reason to keep going? It's not like you're going to read the column anymore, or will you?

Well, until next week, "live long and prosper." O.K., that's a "Star Trek" reference -- I told you I don't know anything about the film.