Tell that to your professors, and you'll likely get either a smile, which means "nice try" or a smirk, which means "get lost."

Tell that to your Bud-guzzling roommate, and he might flip you the "bird" or unzipper his fly. "Put this in your cage, buddy."

Tell that to your baby brother if you really want to see a human face evolve through amazing contortions.

Tell it to your sister and you might discover that she actually read "The Prophet."

Tell it to Father Fred and he'll probably agree and invite you to a four-week, hands-on course, teaching the ancient art of Christian meditation.

Father Fred's course is appropriately titled "Meditation for Dummies" because you don't have to have an ounce of experience to begin meditating. It's presently being offered at 8:30 p.m. Tuesdays in the Eisenhower Chapel. Father Fred, a Catholic priest, observes that Christian meditation teaches us to slow down to feel God's presence in the center of our being. We can actually feel the exhilaration of the Holy Spirit flow through us like a mighty current that cleans both mind and body. According to Father Fred, "We are really communicating with God when we meditate. God's presence dwells in us, not as dialogue or images, words or thoughts, but as a quiet, resting, peaceful communion."

Objection, your Honor! The plaintiff is an atheist! He cannot possibly dwell with a God he cannot even imagine!

Objection overruled! Sri Eknath Easwaran, author of more than 20 books on meditation, assures "the court" that, "You don't have to change your religion. Meditation can be practiced within the mainstream of any religious tradition, and outside all of them as well."

According to Easwaran, you should sit "half an hour every morning, as early as is convenient." You should also find a place to meditate that is quiet, clean, well-ventilated and reasonably austere.

Easwaran advises his students to "sit in a straight-back chair or on the floor and gently close their eyes. They should be comfortable enough to forget their bodies, but not so comfortable that they become drowsy."

Father Fred adds that "it certainly doesn't help to wear a walkman. That ultimately defeats the purpose."

Both Father Fred and Sri Eknath Easwaran caution that whatever position you choose, be sure to keep your head, neck and spinal column aligned. For those who bungee jump over alligator pits for a little peace and quiet, meditation may offer an incredible challenge.

Father Fred advises his students to "gently call on Jesus or say the 'Our Father' when too much personal energy becomes a problem."

Easwaran adds, "I usually suggest learning first the 'Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi' " for those whose minds drift into misty memories or wishful thinking.

Believe it! T'ai Chi Chuan, a martial art, has much in common with meditation! Both require the practitioner to free her mind of images, self-talk, worry and fear of failing that next big exam.

The fluid motions of T'ai Chi, a sort of meditation in motion, improves concentration, balance and agility. The benefits don't stop there.

So, when those thoughts "go wildly into battle," and they will as soon as you engage a library of reading assignments, find a half-hour to open that tight little "cage of words" and let your "birds of space" fly free.

Think no thoughts. Instead, take a fresh new look at the beautiful campus that surrounds your academic puzzles. Practice T'ai Chi Chuan. Meditate. Go for long silent walks in the wilderness. If possible, join Father Fred in his "Meditation for Dummies" class.

When mid-terms descend into your lives like ninjas of the night, you may be pleasantly transformed into Samurais who convincingly slay the demons that question your wit.