The world is going to hell in a handcart and the reason is quite simple. There are too many sporting events.

There could be a variety of reasons as to why sports could cause the downfall of the human race. Family values might be deteriorating because of men who are more infatuated with Anna Kournikova than with their wives. Or the proliferation of extreme sports could be causing deaths in such sports as Senior Citizen Live Hand Grenade ShuffleBoard, brought to you by espn2 and Mountain Dew.

All of these are valid hypotheses; however, the problem with sports presents a much higher problem to our species.

God is too busy watching sports to be able to accomplish anything. It may sound like a bizarre theory, but when examined closer, it truly makes sense. Watch a few sporting events, and you’ll begin to notice a pattern of eerily similar scenes.

The big game is over and some washed-up former athlete begins to interview the game’s big star. "Washed-up guy," who we’ll refer to as "O.J.," asks, "Wow, (insert name), that was an impressive effort. You recorded 14 tackles, caused two concussions, a broken leg, a brain hemorrhage and created a new form of end zone taunting called the You Suck Shuffle. How do you feel?"

The genetic mutant, with opponents’ blood fresh on his uniform, responds, "Well, first I’d like to thank the Good Lord, without whom nothing is possible."

Come again? I’ve just watched a savage display of human brutality and brashness, and you’re thanking God for this ability? It’s no wonder there are so many problems in this world. God’s time is too occupied because of the heavy demand put on him by professional athletes to help them win the big games. War, famine and natural disasters are forced to take a back burner to the divisional playoffs.

Certainly giving credit to where it’s due is not a crime. Atlanta Falcons coach Dan Reeves had good reason to be thankful to God this past Sunday. Not because his team was headed to the Super Bowl, but rather because his chest had recently been sawed open, his heart tinkered with on three different bypasses and then sewn back together during open-heart surgery. I believe this is an appropriate situation to give thanks to whatever deity you subscribe.

However, there recently have been some questionable dealings with God in the world of sports. And as a bitter Philadelphia sports fan, I’ll first point to some former Philadelphia Eagles who are abusing their relationships with God more than a cheesesteak abuses one’s cholesterol level.

This past summer, Reggie White, a man who has crushed more quarterbacks than anyone in history and who is also an ordained minister, decided to open up about his views on homosexuality and race. Granted, he was asked to speak to Wisconsin lawmakers about his community work, but as the Willard Preacher has taught us, a man of the cloth must never miss a chance to bash a sodomite.

After the standard declaration that homosexuality is a sin, The Minister of Defense stated that, among other things, blacks are gifted at celebration. Similarly, he said white people "know how to tap into money," Hispanics are blessed with the ability to "put 20, 30 people in one home" and that Asians "can turn a television into a watch." One can only wonder if a defensive lineman is skilled at "inserting his foot in his mouth."

Another former Eagle, Randall Cunningham, has also discovered the Lord. Yes, this is the same man who once humbly felt the need to wear solid gold shoelace caps. Now that Randall has found God, he tells his teammates in the huddle that the Lord will guide them not to personal salvation, but rather to a higher place -- the end zone.

In the pugilistic sport of boxing, the nicest, holiest man to ever turn people into bloody pulps, Evander Holyfield, is the reigning champ. It is certainly touching to see that the Lord personally helps him deliver the apocalyptic righthands that incapacitate less faithful fighters and also help Holyfield support his six children from four different women.

It is also heartwarming to see an athlete such as Deion Sanders, whose gold chain collection is rivaled only by Mr. T’s, now thank the Lord before launching into a 16-minute end zone celebration. I am happy that all of these great athletes have found salvation in God. However, asking God for miracles on the field of play is an insult to anyone who is truly suffering throughout the world. Athletes must realize they are at a job and not treat games as biblical events. And though I have never had a personal talk with God, I think He probably has bigger problems to worry about.