The response to it was more than I could have dreamed. When I wrote it, I was only hoping that someone would read it and understand.

What I got was more than 35 e-mails thanking me, congratulating me or sharing personal experiences with me. I spent the day responding to almost all of those e-mails. Then I spent the night crying and reflecting.

I remember thinking at the time that column would be the last time I would write, except in my journal, about the rape. It was too tiring.

It was tiring because I had not expected the openness and honesty I received from the other survivors in the Penn State community.

It was tiring because most people with whom I interacted on a daily basis were finding out for the first time through that column.

It was tiring because with all my worries about running my name and picture with that column, I had forgotten to take care of myself.

I came close to ruining the rest of the semester taking care of myself. But as rough as the rest of the semester was, reading and re-reading some of the responses I had gotten made me realize that what I had done had been necessary.

So I decided to write again. Through the suggestion of one compassionate professor and the request of one understanding editor, I published an essay in The Philadelphia Inquirer on Jan. 10.

This time I received more than 60 e-mails and not all of them were as nice. I did get the outpouring of support that I had gotten from the Penn State community -- words of gratitude and sad stories from women who had been through similar situations.

The difference was I heard from the other side. The first night my column was published I received an e-mail from a woman who did not sign her name. She wrote: "You should feel guilty -- you were drunk. You should know drinking puts you in a very vulnerable position. You are not a child; if your parents did not give you and advice in this direction, they should share your guilt. Too bad you did not get revenge on that bum. He probably has done it to another girl because of your lack of action."

I spent more than a year feeling guilty and responsible because I was drunk. Thanks to that woman, I spent another week feeling that way. She was not alone. I heard from more than 10 other people who said directly or indirectly that I should share some of the blame because I had been drunk.

One of them even wrote that I "put myself in that situation." Those were the words that my former best friend used when I told her fewer than two months after it happened. Those words have haunted me for more than three years. Seeing them again was probably the roughest part of this week.

If these people think that I don't regret drinking that night and that I don't wish I could take it back, then they didn't read my columns very closely. They also neglected to read where I said I can't go back in time and change things and I can't go on wishing that I could.

I now know why the legal definition of sexual assault in this state includes a stipulation that if the victim is drunk or otherwise impaired, consent is not implied.

I was drunk, but I am not guilty.

It is the people who believe that I am guilty who needed that column as much as the survivors. I hope it made them think. At the very least, their responses made me think. Their letters served as reality check on society's views and as a reminder of why it took me so long to accept that I was not wrong.

I am not going to change or reverse my recovery for them. Nor am I going to become an anti-alcohol crusader as many people have suggested I become. Alcohol didn't rape me. A person did.

I will keep writing that sentiment as long as there are people who do not see the difference and the best place to start is where I began -- in this paper. I do not think that only the readers of The Philadelphia Inquirer think this way. I am sure there are people right here in Happy Valley who think that drinking was my way of asking for it. They just didn't write to me.

And even if I can't change anyone's mind, I hope I can continue to provide some comfort or education to those who don't blame me.

Judging from the majority of responses, I have.