Revealed -- Canada's evil plot to take over the world


Monday, July 27, 1998	`Collegian Columnist` Revealed -- Canada's evil plot to take over the world Since the end of the Cold War, we Americans have lived under the snug blanket of complacency which being a superpower provides. We outspent the so-called "evil empire" of the Soviets into submission, for which I most warmly and humbly thank President Reagan's astrologer. The Europeans, despite occasional attempts to show independence, are as good as U.S. satellites. Even our economic rivals, the Japanese, have fallen upon hard times. China does not yet appear ready to take its place as a global superpower, so we have nothing to worry about, right?
Pete Zeigler (pbz101@psu.edu) is a senior majoring in political science and a Collegian columnist.	Wrong. One major threat stands in the way of American world dominance, and unless we figure out away to defeat this menace, we may wake up one day as residents of the eleventh province. The menace of which I speak is our neighbor to the north -- Canada. I know, it seems implausible, but unless steps are taken to combat the real "evil empire," your children may pledge allegiance to a leaf, listen to Bryan Adams and say "eh" three times a sentence. I know what you're thinking. "The Canadians!?!" I'm sure that you have already come up with multiple reasons why the Canadians could not take over the United States. Not enough people, not enough military technology, Québec, the list could go on all day. However, that's just part of their nefarious plot. The Canadians, at first glance, seem to be good neighbors, if a bit strange. They let us play hockey with them, they wave us right through at customs, they even make sure their dollar is weak so that we can go on shopping sprees there. Sure, some of them speak French, and they get uppity about who gets how much salmon from the Pacific, but on the whole, they're better neighbors than Mexico, so we think. But the Mexicans don't have designs on taking over the United States. You see, this "good neighbor" crap is just an act. They want us to think that they are happy, friendly people who sing and dance while drinking Molson all day. That way, when the invasion day (C-Day) arrives, we'll be so surprised that we'll be helpless. On my most recent journey to the evil empire, I, disguised as a Canadian, learned about this plot, and I now reveal it to an American audience for the first time. Children in Canada are taught of the weakness of America and the strength of Canada from birth. Every time a midget league hockey player shoots a puck into a net, it is celebrated as a blow into the side of the Great Satan (that's us). Any discussion with a Canadian invariably leads to recollecting the War of 1812, where they (although still a British colony) burned down the White House. When they go up to the Northlands to hunt, they're not hunting game, they're trying to bag an American tourist.
*"On my most recent journey to the evil empire, I, disguised as a Canadian, learned about this plot, and I now reveal it to an American audience for the first time."*	You still don't believe me, do you? "Sure, they may want to take over America, but they don't have the firepower or manpower to do it," you say. Well, that is not the case. Up in the Northwest Territories, in what we Americans still naïvely believe is only tundra and an occasional Inuit, are hidden labs, where a new generation of "Super-Canadians" are being created. These "Super-Canadians," the results of years of genetic engineering, take advantage of the traditional Canadian strengths (drinking and hockey) and add to these military training, a 92 m.p.h. two-seam fastball, and above all, an undying hatred of Americans. These millions of trained warriors can, on a moments notice, strike a death-blow to the heart of American society by crossing the world's longest undefended border and wreaking havoc on the American populace. "OK, so they have the manpower," you admit. "But we'll just find them and hunt them down like the miserable dogs that they are." If it were only that easy. You see, Canadians are masters of disguise. They are trained to be able to pass as Americans so that they can serve as spies. And this spying is taking place to an alarming degree. From music (Alanis Morrisette, Barenaked Ladies), to movies and television (Mike Myers, Dan Akyroyd), to even baseball (Larry Walker), Canadians have infiltrated the cultural machine of America. Who gives us the news everyday? Peter Jennings, a Canadian. A perfect set-up to provide propaganda to us while we are being invaded. So, how can we avoid becoming the eleventh province? Nuclear annihilation won't work; 80% of their population lives within 100 miles of the U.S.-Canada border, so we'd wipe out a lot of important states while inflicting only minimal harm on New Jersey. Cultural assimilation has proved futile; Canadians have somehow managed to continue thinking of themselves as Canadians instead of nicer, cleaner Americans. So what are we left with? I propose that we defeat them the only way we have left: economically. One day next week (I'm free Wednesday), every American citizen should make a shopping trip to Canada. This will tie up the infrastructure, while allowing the Canadians to see all Americans up close. While the occasional New Yorker may be only mildly offensive to the average Ontarian, the family from South Carolina who honestly believes that Strom Thurmond still has a functioning brain may be too much for a Canadian to take. By showing Canada how the Province of South Ontario (i.e. The United States) would only ruin it by being loud, dirty, obnoxious, and just plain stupid, I believe that Canadians, in one voice, would rise up and demand that their government cease all activities leading to the colonization of the U.S. And when that happens, the Canadians will be ripe to be made the 51st state. Sure, we'll have to translate "The Star-Spangled Banner" into French, but the U.S. hockey team will be unbeatable.